Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during April, 2006

The Saddest Little Convention In The East

April 28th, 2006

The Family Coalition Party of Ontario Convention

It’s that time of year again! Grab the kids—or, uh, at least some great, great grandparents that are especially set in their ways—and spend a full, long day at The Family Coalition Party of Ontario’s Annual Convention!

What’s that? We missed it? Awww… Well, there’s always next year, I suppose.

The convention took place at the glamourous Mississauga Best Western Hotel last Saturday to an audience of a whopping 50 people. Attendance was, of course, mandatory for most of those present, and cost $25.00.

So what happened at this full-day conference? According to the FCP’s kooky website, it included prayers, various talk about how society has collapsed since the equal marriage bill became law, and lectures from special celebrity speakers. No, not Brangelina, just the magnificently delusional Dawn Stefanowicz, who actively preaches how all gay people are HIV-positive, promiscuous, and child molesters. Sweet gal, that one.

Although the party doesn’t have a moray eel in the Sahara‘s hope in the of winning a seat in Ontario parliament (thanks to their radical lobbying to strip rights from gays), they do posses an amazing psychological weapon. The following paradox, found on their website, may make a rational person’s head explode.

[Party members] can not be involved with any party that does not respect fundamental human rights, or with any party that does not defend the traditional family.

“Defend the traditional family,” from their actions, clearly means “attack and malign the gays.” Mon cerveau! Il a fondu!

Our First Gay Prime Minister?

April 26th, 2006

What if Canada had a Gay Prime Minister?

Cool beans! Scott Brison, Canada’s first openly gay federal cabinet minister, has applied for top job! Brison officially threw in his hat for the race to replace former prime minister Paul Martin on Monday. If his leadership bid is successful, and if the Liberals win the next election, Canada may get it’s first fabulously gay prime minister!

Predictably, anti-gay naysayers are already bleating that Canadians are “not ready” for a gay leader, but Brison is still considered a top candidate. During a press conference, Brison presented his vision.

I want to build a Canada where there are limitless opportunities and no glass ceilings, regardless of your gender, your sexual orientation, religion, or the colour of your skin.

You go, Scott! (And, yes, I now forgive you for being part of the Conservative party until 2003.)

Edmonton’s “Punch in the Face” Dress Code

April 24th, 2006

Things not to wear in Edmonton

Here’s an oldie: What do you get when you wear a fur coat, white jeans, suede boots, and a “Drama Queen” t-shirt to Edmonton’s Gay Pride Week celebrations? Give up? A punch in the face from a crazy, anti-gay stranger!

I wouldn’t bother holding for laughter on that “punchline.” It’s the brainchild of Nicolas Demers, a 19 year old anti-gay kook who pleaded guilty last week to punching a gay man in the face during Pride Week. Demers was caught after assaulting the man in City Hall last June, despite attempts to escape the building undetected. (Apparently, “cleverly” swapping t-shirts with a friend doesn’t fool today’s CSI-informed security guards.)

The motivation for this anti-gay attack was, well, spawned by irrational anti-gayness. “There should be a law against dressing like that,” Demers told security personnel, “He deserved to be punched.”

Happily, despite Demers’ “creative lobbying,” there aren’t any laws against dressing colourfully. Though, there are apparently laws against punching someone in the face. Sentencing begins this June.

Union Supports Gays, Gets Sued

April 21st, 2006

Crazy Woman Sues Union

Now this is odd. An Ontario woman is suing her union, the Public Service Alliance of Canada, for supporting the federal same-sex marriage bill last year. Susan Comstock claims that by allocating some of her union dues to support social justice, her religious freedom was violated. The poor dear! Now she’s demanding that her union divert money to a charity of her choice (probably—but not necessarily—one that protects furry animals; it usually is).

As always, the anti-gay crazy is claiming not to be homophobic.

I am not homophobic. To me this was an instance where they had made a choice that gay rights were going to trump religious rights, and what’s more, they were doing it with my money.

I know how you feel, crazy woman. This one time, city council—using my tax dollars—decided to remove a dead tree on the street opposite my apartment window instead of fixing the pothole near the rear entrance. I was inconsolable! Do you think it’s too late to sue?

Cardston Crazies Propose Ban

April 19th, 2006

OMG, The Mayor!

Well, it’s not every day that I get to slap an entire town upside the head. But, lo! The Town of Cardston, Alberta (population: 3,500), made famous for it’s carriage museum featured on The Simpsons two weeks ago, has sent a formal letter requesting support for a ban on same-sex marriage. And to whom was this letter addressed? Why, the powerful Municipality of Crowsnest Pass (population: 6000), of course!

Unfortunately for Cardston, representatives for Crowsnest Pass were quick to pooh-pooh the notion, noting that not only do they unanimously oppose a ban on gay nuptials, but also that a ban would be illegal, as marriage is entirely federal jurisdiction. Yeah, all the way to the prime minister! Nonetheless, Cardston remains undeterred.

In schools are [sic] children are being taught that same gender marriages are a ‘normal’ lifestyle. Our Council feels that the silent majority needs to stand and be counted in regards to this manner.

Ah, you Cardston crazies. Crowsnest Pass shot you down, but with the Mayor of Cardston‘s weight behind you, there’s nothing you can’t accomplish! Well, except maybe this… and, uh, pretty much anything else of significance.

Saskatchewan Not Very Gay

April 17th, 2006

Gay Saskatchewan

Shocking news! A recent poll of Canadians has discovered that Saskatchewan, the smallest little prairie province in the west, is the most gay unfriendly place in Canada. This conclusion was reached after only 40% of rednecks respondents agreed with the statement “To me, homosexuality is morally acceptable.” This is in stark contrast to Quebec, the most fabulously gay friendly place ever, where nearly 70% of respondents agreed.

Hmm… Perhaps this means I should find a new place to erect my 90 metre rainbow grain elevator.

Hoppy Spring!

April 14th, 2006

Spring Bunny

Since I’m out of town to visit family for Easter, there’ll be no making fun of the anti-gay crazies today. Instead, enjoy this picture of the Entirely Secular Vernal Equinox Bunny, bounding through the grass with a basket of non-religious April eggs! Happy Spring, everyone!

Harper to Introduce Anti-Gay Bill

April 12th, 2006

Harper's To-Do List

Newly elected prime minister Stephen Harper (or little Bush—that adorable tyke), has vowed to introduce legislation revoking same-sex marriage in Canada. Although this bill would be unconstitutional and only 30% of Canadians polled said they want it to happen, he’s still trying his best. He’s such a little trooper!

Of course, the anti-gay crazies are positively salivating at the opportunity to get all “holier than thou” on our collective ass again. Gwen Landolt of the right-wing Christian lobby group, REAL Women of Canada, was busy pretending that society had been thrust into chaos since the equal marriage law. Chaos!

What about the question of clergy? What are their rights? And what are the rights of children?

Gee, those are, uh, good questions, Gwen. Just let me fiddle with the dials on my super go backwards in time machine where you can get them all settled… again.

Ralph to Leave Throne

April 10th, 2006

King Ralph

Pinch me! Alberta’s conservative premier and super kook extraordinaire, Ralph Klein, has announced that he’ll abdicate his throne after receiving only 55% support in last week’s party leadership review. If this amazing bit of luck hadn’t happened so early in this site’s lifetime, Ralphy would have been a shoe-in as a regular on this site.

Now how can I even begin describing ol’ King Ralph? Since using the obscure notwithstanding clause in 2000 to make an otherwise unconstitutional ban on same-sex marriage legal in Alberta until 2005, Ralph Klein has:

  • Pulled up to a homeless shelter after midnight, drunk beyond all get-out, and yelled at the homeless for not having jobs
  • Threw a Liberal policy book at a 17-year old page in the Alberta legislature, but arrested and jailed a youth for throwing a pie at him
  • Spearheaded the effort to bring in a national referendum on same-sex marriage
  • Threatened to disallow marriage altogether in Alberta if same-sex marriage became federal law (it did; he didn’t)
  • Said he’ll introduce legislation making it legal for civil marriage commissioners to deny filing paperwork for same-sex couples
  • Justified all of this nonsense by stating “I have friends who are gays and friends who are lesbian and they’re wonderful people.” (Let’s not hold our breath waiting for me to say I have a friend who’s a wonderful premier…)

Ralph Justifies

Oh, Ralph! I’m so sorry to see you go. You’d have been my most favourite regular ever!

Wal-Mart Sells DVD

April 7th, 2006

Brokeback Mountain at Wal-Mart

Won’t someone please think of the children? Alberta-filmed Brokeback Mountain is available for purchase at Wal-Marts across the country despite the wailing of an American Christian advocacy group. Imagine—Wal-Mart selling DVDs! Have they no shame?

In a statement issued on their website, Mississippi-based American Family Association urged parents to visit local Wal-Marts and protest their “decision to promote and carry [a] pro-homosexual movie.” This, supposedly, instead of simply not purchasing the film, since I’m sure most Wal-Mart shoppers regularly knock unwanted products into their carts by accident.

Curiously, the no doubt humongous stampede of horrified families evacuating Wal-Mart en masse didn’t seem to hurt sales. 1.4 million Brokeback DVDs were sold in North America on the first day.

Brigitte Bardot Pleads to Canadians

April 5th, 2006

Brigitte Bardot

Aging sex kitten Brigitte Bardot has visited Canada to protest the annual seal hunt. Bienvenue au Canada, Brigitte! It’s a pleasure to have you here again.

Some of us may remember France’s sultry sex symbol for her, shall we say, “outspoken” views. Like the time she branded homosexuals as “fairground freaks,” protested inter-racial marriage, condemned women in government, and warned that France was being “infiltrated” by Muslims. You know, that sort of chit-chat. Now she’s in Canada to be the voice of, uh, reason and stop the seal hunt—which she claims exists so we can sell ground-up seal penises to China to make “Asians Horny.”

Shockingly, she wasn’t taken too seriously.

I am not crazy—I am pleading with you. This will likely be my last visit to Canada before I die.

Gee, Brigitte; I’m so sorry. Now, excuse me while I hammer some nails up my nose. I’ve got to finish before the carny arrives with the next group.