Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during May, 2006

Halifax’s Teacher Survey

May 31st, 2006

Would you like to take a survey?

Oh, goody! The Halifax Regional School Board (yes, the same one that was punished by the Human Rights Commission for assuming their gay teachers were molesting students) will now be sending out a lovely batch of surveys! The surveys, which each teacher will be required to fill out and sign tomorrow, includes the age-old question: “Are you heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian?” You know, because that would shed so much light on how well someone can teach long division…

While the school board was quick to note that they won’t be penalizing teachers for unanswered questions (gee, how nice of them!), the Nova Scotia Teachers Union is unimpressed. President Mary-Lou Donnelly isn’t quite sure what to recommend to union members, claiming that the board soundly rejected her suggestion of making the surveys anonymous.

The board will probably be more subtle next year (“Which of the following sexes would you most like to marry?”), but, in the meantime, I suggest that the current wording leaves only one answer…

Q: Are you heterosexual, bisexual, gay, or lesbian?
A: Yes.

Moscow’s Violent Anti-Gayness

May 29th, 2006

What a lovely place...

Even moose and squirrel must be shaking their heads at this news. Moscow’s first gay pride parade, which was to peacefully conclude by placing flowers on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier, was met by hordes of violent protesters who started punching and kicking the participants. What’s even sadder, the authorities did little to stop the violence, instead condemning the parade. The mayor and courts even banned the march, citing, well… nothing, really.

Canadian gay rights activist, John Fisher, was there.

What I saw was a complete failure of police protection that was directly linked to the mayor’s banning of the march. We can only hope that what we saw was representative of only a small segment of society.

Of course, there’s not much joking I can do with this shameful material, so I’ll conclude by congratulating the pride marchers for taking a stand against such nonsense, and I wish them all the best next year! Don’t give up!

Mounties Get Their Man

May 26th, 2006

Mountie gets his man

Adorable news! The RCMP will be celebrating their first official same-sex marriage ceremony this summer! Longtime couple Const. Jason Tree and Const. David Connors will be exchanging vows in full Mountie getup on June 30th, although they haven’t decided if they want an honour guard performed for them.

Even though I’ve never been a fan of red felt (at least, that’s what it looks like those uniforms are made of…), let me be among the first to wish the happy couple years and years of wedded bliss. Just keep an eye out for that mischievous Snidely Whiplash (aka Stephen Harper).

And Now A Chilling Message From The Pope

May 24th, 2006

Batten Down the Hatches

Run for cover! Pope Benedict XVI has a terrifying message for us Canadians!

In an allusion to same-sex marriage, the pope has blamed Canada’s declining birth rate on the “pervasive effects of secularism,” reiterating that the church proclaims and supports legislation “to create and live in a family, without it being substituted or confused by other forms or different institutions.”

Upon hearing this terrible news, I have no doubt that Canadians will be running out into the streets—copulating furiously to prevent extinction of the Canadian race. It will then be necessary to completely obliterate gay marriage, since half of all Canadians (or something) turned gay when it was legalized!

Now, bring on the theocracy! It’s our only hope!

Victoria Day Update

May 22nd, 2006

It's Queen Victoria!

Well, I’m off enjoying Victoria Day today—the day where Canadians everywhere thank Queen Victoria for… whatever she did to give us a national holiday in her honour. In the meantime, though, I’ve prepared this special Victoria Day Update to let you, the astute reader, know what has been happening with some of those wacky stories I’ve been reporting on.

Gotta wait a little longer...

I assume it must be really hard to translate “gays deserve equal treatment” into legalese, because the Supreme Court’s decision on whether or not to give retroactive survivor’s benefits to same-sex couples has been delayed. I guess there’s no pressure for them to hurry up, though; the main claimant died in October waiting for a ruling.

The Crying Duo

Poor King Ralph and Ted Morton! Their beloved Bill 208—which would have allowed Alberta teachers to not only refuse to acknowledge the existence of same-sex marriage in Canada, but also force them to send out parental warnings before speaking a word on the subject—was effectively killed in parliament through brilliant opposition delay tactics. Now, I wonder if they’ll be able to effectively kill Ted and Ralphy’s temper tantrum?

Canada’s Anti-Gay Workplace

May 19th, 2006

Water cooler talk

According to a survey released to coincide with the National Day Against Homophobia last Wednesday, over 60% of Canadians agree that coming out in the workplace is harmful to one’s career. As if that’s not discouraging enough, 28% of respondents then went on to state that they’ve personally witnessed gay bashing at the office. Quelle horreur!

Thankfully, this doesn’t seem to apply to bosses, as 75% of Canadians think a gay or lesbian boss would get just as much respect from their employees as a straight one.

So… Basically, if you’re gay, and out at work, and manage to avoid outright gay bashing—let alone hit your head on the glass ceiling—only 25% of your employees won’t respect you. Hooray?

Gym Teacher Washes Hands

May 17th, 2006

Aaaaah! The Gays!

Lindsay Willow is a gym teacher. She is also a lesbian. One fine September, Ms. Willow was busy organizing an equipment storage room with a student helper. After the room was all tidy, they both washed their hands and stepped into the hallway. The end.

Oh, wait, no; I forgot to mention—one more thing happened. A minor detail, really. You see, at that moment, a fellow teacher saw the two leaving the locker room and, because Ms. Willow is gay, presumed her to be a child molester! He then presented outlandish allegations to his colleagues, the principal, and, of course, the police. The former two believed the loony yarn without any evidence whatsoever, and Ms. Willow was severely disciplined.

Sound unbelievable? Well, it happened! The Nova Scotia Human Rights Commission announced last week that Ms. Willow was falsely accused of molestation based solely on her sexual orientation. The tribunal then ordered the Halifax Regional School Board to deliver a full written apology and monetary compensation for their prejudiced nonsense. Because, you know, there’s no heartfelt apology quite like a court-ordered heartfelt apology.

As for the moral of the story, let this be a lesson to all the gays out there: Never wash your hands.

Pension Battle Goes To Supreme Court

May 15th, 2006

A lawyer brings some good news

Think you can be too old for a lengthy court battle? Think again! George Hislop’s class-action suit to receive same-sex survivor benefits will face the Supreme Court of Canada tomorrow. The kicker? If Hislop gets to keep his partner’s pension, he won’t be able to enjoy it; he died in October at 78.

To make matters even more interesting, the federal government is actually fighting the deceased’s cause, saying it could set a precedent and cost taxpayers $80,000,000 or more. This is, of course, glossing over the fact that this figure (hmm… heavily inflated, you think?) was pretty much paid for by the same-sex couples themselves, through years and years of payments into the Canada Pension Plan. You know, because they just loved paying money into plans that only heterosexuals can benefit from.

Luckily, Doug Elliot, the lawyer representing Hislop, is painting a more realistic picture for the misguided feddies.

There would be no significant impact on the CPP—no increase in premiums or on benefits paid to anyone else. But the extra monthly support would make a huge difference for several claimants who desperately need it.

Well, a huge difference to the non-deceased claimants, at least. Although, I guess the estates of the others could always decorate up their headstones a little…

Children’s Book Deemed “Too Sophisticated”

May 12th, 2006

A child couldn't possibly understand this, my dear Watson.

Once upon a time, there was a young prince who “never cared much for princesses.” Although his mother introduced him to several potential suitors, he just couldn’t find someone to marry. But one fine day, he was elated to discover another handsome young prince! They married and lived happily ever after! The end.

Thus goes the plot of the children’s picture book, King & King, which was rejected on Tuesday by a Surrey School Board committee for being “too sophisticated” for grade three. And we shan’t be introducing the children to that sort of sophistication, shall we?

But fear not, kids! If King & King is too hard to follow, there’s always The Lion King: A tale of Mufasa, an emporer murdered at the hand of his rancorous brother—who deceives the rightful heir into believing he’s responsible for his father’s death. It’s a classic Disney tale of overcoming personal anguish in exile, and it’s available in picture book, too! Enjoy!

Government to Gays: Don’t Tell Us You’re Married

May 10th, 2006

Census 2006: You're Not Married!

Well, it’s census time in Canada again. Ah, Cenususeses… Censii? Those dainty twice-a-decade questionnaires where you get to inform the government of all your personal relationships. But, for all the happily married gay couples out there this year, don’t be so quick to check the “husband or wife” bubble when describing your partner’s relationship to you! The government has provided special instructions for your type.

That’s right; someone must’ve missed the point of the whole equal marriage law, because the census form now instructs all same-sex married couples to check “other” instead of “husband or wife” when describing their partners. This would put your beloved spouse in the same category as cousin, niece or nephew, roommate’s spouse or child, and, of course, employee.

Naturally, Egale Canada, a Canadian gay human rights group, is disappointed.

Everyone who completes the 2006 Census will see that our relationships are segregated. We’re already getting phone calls from dismayed members and we’re concerned about the subtle yet widespread impact of millions of Canadians seeing that our marriages are denigrated in this way.

Sad. But, who knows? Maybe this new terminology will catch on—even among straight people! Everyone will dream of that special day when they walk down the isle to profess their undying love—to hear those wonderful words, “I now pronounce you other and other.” (Sniff.)

Anti-Gays Don’t Hold Protest

May 8th, 2006

How to Not Hold a Protest

The not-so-influential lobby group, Attack Gay Marriage, uh, “Defend Traditional Marriage,” was protesting outside governement offices in Ontario last week—or so it would look at first glance. When asked about the protest, spokesperson Jack Fonseca responded “This is not a protest.” Instead, he indicated that it was a “positive rally.”

The protes—oops… positive rally included a handful of people carrying megaphones and signs with phrases like “Notwithstanding Clause: Use it, Mr. Harper,” referring to the never-before-used-in-federal-politics clause that can make otherwise unconstitutional laws legal for a period of 5 years. The pr—ositive rallyers want the clause used so they can ban same-sex marriage in Canada without facing constitutional challanges. Yeah, that’s being positive…

Now, pardon me a moment. My neighbours above seem to have stopped defending the tranquility of soundlessness. Just listen to them walking around like that! They need to be more pro-quiescent; I’m going to rally for their support.

Anti-Gay Bill Targets Teachers

May 5th, 2006

Seeking Permission to State the Truth

Ever notice that annoying “Whaaah!” sound coming from the Alberta parliament? No need to be alarmed, kids! It’s just the provincial government throwing another one of its temper tantrums over same-sex marriage.

Ted Morton‘s Bill 208, which passed second reading this week, would make it OK for teachers to not acknowledge the existence of same-sex marriage in Alberta. And for teachers that do wish to acknowledge reality… well, they’d be required to send out parental warnings before speaking a word about the gays. How quaint!

When asked why this craziness was conceived, Morton replied: “[It’s] to pre-empt the type of harassment of people who disagree with same-sex marriage.” Yeah, because those people are so discriminated against. Also—wait, did that response have anything to do with parents and teachers?

Of course, Frank Bruseker, president of the Alberta Teacher’s Association, whom this bill would actually affect, is insulted.

Requiring teachers to advise parents prior to making any mention of the fact that marriage in Canada may be between persons of the same sex will effectively gag any emergent discussion of this issue.

What does that communicate to gay and lesbian students, to their families and to the school community? These students are already at greater risk of being bullied, being alienated from school and eventually dropping out. They need all the help and support that the school system can provide.

If I may practice my Alberta lingo, let me say: “Darn Tootin’, Frank!” But now, for my adorable elected Alberta MLAs, whoever wants to play crazy anti-gay make-believe forever, say “Yea.”

Car-Selling Fairies Fly to Canada

May 3rd, 2006

Poof!

Gather ’round the television, boys and girls! Since “fairy” jokes apparently haven’t gotten old, Chrysler has imported their “too tough” ad to Canada!

The ad features a fairy flitting about, waving her magic fairy wand and sprinkling pixie dust on various items she deems to be too tough. A skyscraper turns into a candy-coated gingerbread tower; a city’s mass transit system becomes a toy choo-choo puffing cotton ball steam from its bright green smoke stack, etc.

Of course, she’s unable to turn the stocky Dodge Caliber into anything (since it’s just so darn manly) so she accidentally knocks herself into a building where a tough guy calls her a “silly fairy.” Then she turns him gay.

Heeheehee, I get it! Oh, Chrysler, you comedians, you!

Of course Chrysler denies the ad is meant to play off of gay stereotypes. “Hopefully we won’t offend people in Canada, because we didn’t mean to,” said VP of Marketing Judy Wheeler who approved the ad. “We were all shocked that [sexual orientation] even came up.”

So, there you have it. DaimlerChrysler is shocked—shocked—that a man dressed in pastels, with a sweater knotted about his shoulders, walking several lapdogs with pink leashes would be considered a gay stereotype. They’re equally as stunned to discover that their morning coffee gets cold when it’s left out too long. Look out, Chrysler! The sun rose again today! Eek! A cloud!

Equal Taxes For All!

May 1st, 2006

Gay Taxes

Well, today is the last day to file your 2005 taxes in Canada. But, for the first time in history, the astonishingly dull Income Tax Act has been amended to recognize married same-sex couples! Additionally, all references to “natural parent” have been removed, so adoptive couples’ children will be recognized equally, too.

This is fantastic news for anyone who isn’t completely delusional, which obviously doesn’t include the numerous anti-gay groups that tried to prevent this from happening. So to the anti-gay fossils, I say “Slap!” And to all supporters, I say “Thanks for making the mundanity of spousal tax filing accessible to all!”