Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during July, 2006

Homosexual Sex Marriage!

July 31st, 2006

Homosexual Sex Marriage

Retroactive SlapAh, Rob Anders. My former MP. Although he’s probably best known for being the sole dissenter in a vote to give Nelson Mandela, international hero, honorary Canadian citizenship (Anders said Mandela is a “communist and a terrorist”), I remember him for some equally baffling shenanigans.

Now how did it go again? Oh, yes! Anders used taxpayer money (rather than money from his party) to print flyers, emblazoned with a scary masked gunman, linking crystal meth usage and crime to—and I quote: “homosexual sex marriage.” Then he mailed them to constituents in another province!

Raymond Chan, the Liberal MP for that region, was confused why another MP was targeting his constituents with such a bizarre tactic.

They’re resorting to fear-mongering, if you look at the layout of this brochure. And also they’re so outrageous. [Sexual] orientation is not a crime since the ’70s.

Chan’s campaign office was just as confused.

It’s consistent with the concerns that some people have had with the social conservative agenda, coming out and talking about crime and throwing homosexuality into it.

Now, I can’t help but wonder what Anders thinks about heterosexual sex marriage? I wonder…

Anti-Gay Cape Breton Prof Suspended

July 28th, 2006

Human Right's Complaint

Well, I guess even studying history doesn’t mean you won’t repeat it!

An irrationally anti-gay history prof at Cape Breton University has been suspended for two weeks after posting material inciting hatred and violence toward gays. A separate human rights complaint has also been filed for his old-timey hate.

David Mullen, whom I shall call Davey (we can be chummy like that, can’t we?), received a polite letter from Shane Wallis at the university’s Sexual Diversity Centre requesting to please “separate your [anti-gay] views from your academic website,” in accordance with the university’s discrimination and harassment policy. While the request was civil and respectful, Davey responded, well… somewhat angrily:

This is my web site and I do as I please with it.
I do not subscribe to the propaganda of the homosex movement.
I am not afraid of people who engage in sexually deviant behaviour.
I am critical of their disastrous choices. [… blah, blah, etc, etc.]
Homosex is a repudiation of nature and the apotheosis of unbridled desire.

Request denied.

Davey then attached a picture of himself wielding a semi-automatic rifle above the phrase “nobody attacks me with impunity,” and changed Mr. Wallis’ signature to read “Sexual Perversity Centre Coordinator.” A clever wordsmith, that one!

Hey, I wonder if when Davey’s views are inevitably written into the history books as being as wrong, wrong, wrong, he’ll still have to teach it? That’d be neat!

Zimbabwe’s New Laws

July 26th, 2006

Hand Holding Arrest

Zimbabwe’s latest anti-gay law has gone into effect this month, and the “crime” to consequence ratio is amazing.

What used to be an unjust anti gay sex law has been expanded to ban all physical contact between males that could be deemed “indecent” by, well, pretty much anyone. This has already been interpreted to include kissing, hugging, and even hand holding!

The new law was enacted by Zimbabwe’s president, Robert Mugabe, who once famously called homosexuals “worse than pigs and dogs.” Nice guy.

But, to all the Zimbabwean gays out there, don’t fret! Try my helpful suggestions:

  1. Hold hands through a hollow basket with a blanket on top so it looks like you’re just helping each other carry a heavy item.
  2. Swing your hands with exaggerated movements and “accidentally” brush your hands together every now and then.
  3. Pretend to have an injury affecting mobility and lean on your boyfriend for physical support.
  4. Or go through the often painful, but always worthwhile process of demanding a government that respects human rights.

Any of the above should do, really…

Continental Outgames Gets Unlikely Host

July 24th, 2006

Bigot Haven

With the 1st World Outgames in Montréal set to be an amazing success, it’s time for the spinoffs! In fact, the 1st Contentental Outgames for North America are already set to be held in April next year! And the host city is…

Calgary, Alberta.

No, really. You know, the same province where bans on same-sex marriage are still being mulled over, where the provincial government nearly passed legislation making it legal for teachers to refuse to acknowledge that same-sex marriage exists, where the Premier promises to make it legal for marriage comissioners to refuse to file the provincial paperwork for gay couples, and the same city where Pride parade protesters caused a huge scene out of fear of contracting AIDS… That Calgary.

Of course, the game planners are aware of Calgary’s, uh, less-than-friendly reputation, but Executive Director Brad Bostock, thinks this won’t be a problem.

There are perceptions that Calgary may not be the most hospitable city to host this, but we’ve hosted the Western Cup. Next year will be our 25th anniversary.

I see… But, really, I think the games should go off without a hitch. After all, the best way to educate an irrationally anti-gay mind is to show the benefits of diversi—oh, who am I kidding; these wingnuts are going to protest day and night.

Anti-Gay Nurse Still Suspended

July 21st, 2006

Anti-Gay Nurse

Bill Whatcott, a nutty Saskatchewan nurse, lost an appeal to have his nursing license un-suspended this week for defaming the health association Planned Parenthood. Whatcott was picketing Planned Parenthood’s Regina office in 2003, harassing their patients, shouting derogatory slogans, and calling the workers there “sodomites,” “murderers,” and “disseminators of AIDS.” Charming lad, no?

Of course, this suspension isn’t anything new to Billy, as he’s been fined multiple times in the past for inciting hatred toward gays, including $17,000 just last year for mailing out flyers jam-packed with his own brand of magical fantasy facts like: “sodomites are 430 times more likely to acquire AIDS and three times more likely to sexually abuse children.”

Now, there’s no word on how Billy did on his bedside manner courses back in college, but I’m guessing it might have been in the… oh, D, maybe D- area.

Athlete Weddings Galore

July 19th, 2006

Speed Weddings

Well, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. Numerous gay couples and athletes attending the 1st World Outgames in Montréal this month have chosen to wed while they’re here!

Canada is, of course, only one of four countries with equal marriage rights, and this gives Outgame participants the perfect opportunity to get a real wedding. (You know, none of that “civil union” nonsense.) In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if some couples even seek refugee status from their home(ophobic) countries while here. (I hear it’s all the rage in India, after all.)

So, to all the soon-to-be-wedded couples, congratulations! I’m sure you’ll be very happy together with proper recognition! Uh, provided our new conservative government will issue you your visas

Pray For Liberal MPs: Christian Group

July 17th, 2006

Pray For MPs

Nothing productive to do last weekend? Wish you could have found something other than the ol’ Saturday-afternoon reruns to waste your time? Then perhaps you should have joined the nearly 5000 Christians who travelled to Parliament Hill on Saturday to pray for Liberal MPs to overturn the same-sex marriage!

Oh, boy. An endlessly fun pray-in was organized by the Christian lobby group, “4 My Canada,” who, in addition to mass-wishing for anti-gay legislation, also arranged prayers to increase the age of sexual consent and outlaw abortions. Organizer Christina Groot, from Vancouver, hinted that they’re not out to berate MPs with different ideologies, just pray for their souls.

The Bible instructs believers to honour and pray for those in authority. We’re not pointing the finger at our politicians. We really honour them as our leaders, and I think that’s a rare thing for them.

To make this “pray away the gays” event even more riveting, a loudspeaker system was hauled out so attendants could chant exciting (yet semantically vacant) slogans like “In the name of Jesus, we take back our sexual purity!”

No word on if a spontaneous lightning ball struck gay marriage from the law books immediately afterward, but if it didn’t, perhaps some research into multi-dimensional, electromagnetic space folding could help.

Visa Delays for Out Games Participants

July 14th, 2006

Pole Vaulting

The 1st World Out Games for gay athletes, to be held in Montreal from July 26th to August 5th, has run into a teensy little problem. Nearly 250 of the foreign athletes to compete, it appears, still have not yet been granted visas by the federal government.

Immigration minister, Monte Solberg (who, incidentally, voted against the marriage equality bill last year), issued a statement through his office saying that they are not discriminating based on sexual orientation, and that many visa applications are still in the review process. In fact, it turns out that several of the athletes have criminal records causing the government to go into a lengthy review.

The problem with this? Many of these criminal records are for athletes who were persecuted in their respective countries for being homosexual.

Hmm… This doesn’t bode well, Monte. You might want to speed the review process along here. After all, there’s no fury quite like that of a gay man deprived of throwing his men’s-diving-watching party!

P.E.I. Gets Private Marriage Commissioners

July 12th, 2006

Marriage Commissioner Applicants

Prince Edward Island has finally allowed private marriage commissioners to perform marriages in the province, and the first such commissioner, Jim Culbert, was very proud to have his first ceremony be a same-sex marriage!

It’s great to be able to see people finally getting things that they really would like in their life and not have to hide about it. You know, they can be openly married and go home and say, “Hey, you know, we really are people.”

This wonderful attitude is a far cry from Alberta, which almost passed legislation this spring that would have made commissioner discrimination against gay and lesbian couples perfectly legal. So, congratulations to Jim, the new couple, and Prince Edward Island! Here’s to not being crazy bigots!

Fun With Words At The Vatican

July 10th, 2006

Activity Page

Pope Benedict visited Spain over the weekend. His mission: to “protect the family.” And, as we all know by now, this actually means something more along the lines of “attack and malign the gays.”

Spain, you see, is the third country in the world to provide its citizens with equal marriage rights, and this isn’t sitting well with Benny. But while his message for Spain was penned in the same dinosaur-ese we’ve all come to know and love, I’m very excited to announce the Vatican appears to have hired some brand new creative writers!

You see, long gone are the days where same-sex marriage is merely “an attack on the family” and “an affront to God,” according to the Vatican. Now it’s “an attack on the pillar of humanity,” “an eclipse of God,” and their shiny new gun: “anarchic freedom!” Delightfully nutty!

Regardless of the descriptions, Emilio Menendez (one half of the first gay couple to be married in Spain) shared his thoughts on the pope’s vocal opinions:

There are many different types of family. What defines a family is not my sex, my color or anything, but rather the desire to stay together, to love each other.

I’m not surprised they don’t see us as a family but it’s just a question of time. The Church is very, very, very slow—four, five, six centuries behind.

Well said. But just think: the longer the Vatican takes to catch up with reality, the greater my chance of becoming a creative description writer and living in the Vatican palace! How about this one? “A giant mirror of, uh, un-familiness to block the… beacon… of family-osity!” No?

Justice: The Vic Toews Way!

July 7th, 2006

Justice Minister!

Conservative Justice Minister Vic Toews has blamed “the controversy” over same-sex marriage directly on the Liberals, saying that the equal marriage law “was politically motivated.” This, instead of, say, the natural progression of equality confirmed by multiple previous court rulings… But, regardless, you know what this means!

That’s right, folks! Vicky, who has been oddly silent about his normally hysterical opposition to equal marriage, is finally speaking out! I missed his antics so.

So what’s Vic’s latest Crazy Message of Yesteryear™? Basically, same-sex marriage is “a mistake” that the new conservative government needs to fix.

Oh, but, of course, simply revoking the equal marriage law wouldn’t be enough for Vicky, as the Supreme Court would ultimately rule in favour of equality. So, he has also called for parliament to use the obscure notwithstanding clause to override the 9 consecutive lower court decisions and any future ruling that would inevitably find opposite-sex-marriage-only laws to be unconstitutional.

Yep, that’s our new justice minister!

Courts are Wrong, Says Vicky

Hey… If Vic can become justice minister with that sort of ideology… Maybe I, Mark, über gay news reporter, can become Super Pope! I’ll scribble it onto my “give it a shot” list.

City Councilor Explodes Over AIDS Funding

July 5th, 2006

Toronto's City Council Votes

Have you ever wondered how a crazy, anti-gay city councilor would react to AIDS prevention programs? Well, wonder no longer, folks! Rob Ford, a Toronto city councilor, voted against granting city funds toward AIDS education. And while that’s not particularly shocking, his five minute, on-the-record, angry rant is magnificently loony:

There are people dying every day of cancer, diabetes—all the other diseases. Why are we catering to [AIDS groups]? It’s very preventable! If you’re not doing needles and you’re not gay, you won’t get AIDS, probably. That’s the bottom line! And that’s preventable.

The general public does not agree with this [motion]. They think it’s a complete farce, ridiculous! This is so embarrassing!

Uh, yeah, because there’s nothing quite like ranting about the GRIDS to argue against funding for AIDS education.

Anyway, after Robby’s five minutes of angry time, the other councilors cut off his mic. Kyle Rae, the gay councilor whom Robby ridiculed for “condoning” AIDS funding, had this on-the-record response:

I don’t think it is worthy of this council to respond to the comments we heard a few moments ago. There are some who can be educated, and some who cannot.

Good on ya, Kyle. Oh, and the motion to fund AIDS education passed overwhelmingly.

Canada Day Update

July 3rd, 2006

The Canada Day Update

Well, it’s the long weekend! And to celebrate, I’ve prepared this amazing Canada Day Update in advance to let you know how some of the stories I’ve been tracking have progressed. Uh, also I’d like to take some time off to bask in the hot Canadian sun…

Gay Mounties Wed

Jason Tree and David Conners, the two gay Mounties whose marriage plans made international news, have wed! (Congrats, guys!) When pestered by all sorts of media, Tree said he was confused by all the attention their little wedding has been getting.

We don’t see our wedding as anything different or special. Our goal was to get married, not have an international media story.

Oh, and Conservative MPs are still disallowed to comment on the event. You know, because our crazy prime minister trusts his caucus so.

Homophobia Honored

Although Toronto’s Ryerson University has stated it now regrets its decision, an honorary degree was still conferred to a notorious homophobe, Margaret Somerville—at the same time as the city’s Pride Week opening ceremonies, might I add. During her acceptance speech, Margaret tried to comfort the protesters at the event.

As we all know, some people are hurt by some of my views. I want to say that, although I believe that I must stand by those views, I genuinely regret the hurt that causes them.

Gee, Margaret. That’s so touching. Thanks for accepting a degree that first the students, then the university itself didn’t want to give you.

No Jail Time for Gay Attack

Nick Demers, who punched a gay man in the face for dressing colourfully during Edmonton’s Pride Week celebrations last year just received a six-month conditional sentence for the attack. That means no jail time, folks. But at least his court-ordered apology sounded sincere. That ought to be enough to satisfy everyone, right?

Well, regardless. That, kiddos, is the Canada Day Update! Happy Canada Day long weekend, everyone!