Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during December, 2006

Slappy Holidays!

December 25th, 2006

Slappy Holidays!

Hey folks! Well, it’s Christmas! And, though there’s no news story today, I’ve prepared this delightfully lazy cartoon for you all. So, on behalf of this inanimate website, I wish you all the very merriest of Christmases and an exceptionally happy holiday.

May your season be extremely gay. As in “joyful.” Unless you’re like me, in which case I mean it the other way too.

Until the new year, folks!

Gay-Bashing Victim Calls For Public Inquiry

December 22nd, 2006


The Toronto police lost an appeal this week after a court fined them for wrongly arresting and beating a gay man while yelling homophobic slurs. The man was arrested for reckless driving and resisting arrest. His van was parked at the time.

As a result of the seven-year ordeal, the victim is now calling for a public police inquiry into the incident.

Good for him. Of course, knowing how these things work, the inquiry will probably take an additional seven years prompting an inquiry into the inquiry. I’ll post an update at that time—though there’s a good chance the web will have been replaced by time-connected cybernetic brain implants. So, if you’re interested in tracking this story’s progress, keep your implant’s neodymium ferro-fluid charged! Until then, folks!

Ted Morton Brings His Anti-Gayness to Cabinet

December 20th, 2006

Alberta Cabinet

Aw, isn’t that just adorable? After losing the premiership race for Alberta in a distant third place, Ted Morton has been given a nice sympathy position as the Minister of Sustainable Resource Development by incoming premier Ed Stelmach.

Now, what do you suppose was one of Morton’s first announcements to the press? Something to do with sustainable resource development, you think? Why, no, silly! Instead, Teddy re-emphasized his commitment to introduce anti-gay legislation.

That’s right, Ted Morton is determined to bring back one of the most discriminatory pieces of legislation in Canadian history. Morton’s Bill 208, which was already killed in parliament, resurrected, and killed again, would remove all legal punishment for those who discriminate against gays and force teachers to “warn” parents before acknowledging the existence of same-sex marriage in Canada.

Now, if only I could deny the reality that Ted Morton is in cabinet, I’d be all set.

Incidentally, Alberta’s new premier, Ed Stelmach, while personally against equal marriage rights, says he accepts the federal marriage law.

Anti-Gay Marriage Lobby Bothers The Grassroots

December 18th, 2006


Ah, the poor anti-gay lobby. They seem so lost now—like a big-eyed, cuddly… manta-ray. But, hey, after investing so much time and money into a destined-to-fail cause, they’ve got to do something to keep up their spirits. And that’s why they’ve started their very own grassroots movement! (Or, at the very least, some sort of astroturf underpadding movement.)

Despite polls consistently suggesting otherwise, MP-turned-lobbyist Pat O’brien insists that Canadians don’t consider the same-sex marriage issue dead. Pat’s group, Defend Marriage Canada, says they’ve mobilized grassroots groups all over the country. According to Pat, the only way the issue will truly die is if “you buy into the spin that it’s over.”

So there you go: The announcement that Harper kept his promise and officially considers the issue dealt with is really just “spin” to cover the reality that he doesn’t consider the issue dealt with at all. Fascinating! Kudos you to, clever media. Kudos!

The Misfortune o’ the Irish

December 15th, 2006


Ah, Ireland; the ol’ land of ire. Well, at least that’s how I imagine an Irish lesbian couple married in Canada saw it yesterday after an Irish judge ruled that their marriage doesn’t count.

“I do not think that [marriage] is a right which exists for same sex couples either under the Irish Constitution or under the European Convention,” said Justice Elizabeth Dunn. Crummy.

But, hey, I hear Ireland’s justice minister will be introducing a civil union law sometime this year. You know, one of those spiffy little arrangements built expressly to exclude gays from marrying. That’ll be just as nice, right?

Canada Ignores Other Countries’ Same-Sex Unions

December 13th, 2006

Harper Fairy

Here’s a neat little tidbit from Canada’s Citizenship and Immigration policy with regards to same-sex spousal partnership:

If you were married outside Canada, you cannot apply to sponsor your same-sex partner as a spouse. However, if you are a Canadian citizen or a permanent resident, you may qualify to sponsor your partner as a common-law or a conjugal partner.

How delightfully inconsistent! Though, in fairness, I don’t think this is necessarily a knock against gays. It’s really just a knock against Belgians, Netherlanders, South Africans, and Spaniards. Suckers!

Anti-Gay Lobby Keeps On Truckin’

December 11th, 2006


Well, Stephen Harper has officially announced that he considers the same-sex marriage issue settled. Well, finally! But, gee, I wonder what the anti-gay lobby is up to today? Let’s go check.

It’s the Anti-Gay Lobby Press Release Roundup!

Hey, is that Gwen and the REAL Women of Canada over there? I hear they’re doing quite well after they successfully lobbied to scrap the court challenges program. Let’s take a peek at what they’re releasing to the press, shall we?

Elitist political leaders apparently believe that Canada is still in the twentieth century, where political parties ignored the opinion of the voting public. Arrogant political leaders do not, in fact, know what’s best for everyone.

Ah, yes—yes, if anyone should be deciding what’s best for everyone, it should not be political leaders. Special interest group leaders know much better! And, although polls indicate that a whopping 76% of Canadians did not want same-sex marriage re-opened, that’s totally not representative of the voting public! I mean, what about all those embittered old folks? Weren’t they the only ones that voted?

Ah, but why don’t we take a peek at what Charles and his wacky Canadian Family Action Coalition are doing?

The people of Canada are not going to let this go, because marriage is too important an institution to just let it evaporate because of the emotions of a few people in Parliament

Interesting stuff! I didn’t know that “a few people in parliament” corresponds to a wide-margined majority of exactly 175, but I guess I kinda see what he’s saying. That 175 wide-margined majority was totally just uninformed emotion.

Hey, do you think these two groups have issued a joint press release? That would be, like, a dream come true!

Since the Canadian public has been denied a voice on the issue of same-sex marriage, a very persuasive argument can be made for a referendum on the same-sex marriage issue. […] The time for a referendum has now arrived.

Wow; a referendum! Those are hard enough to get when the prime minister actually wants one. You guys just don’t give up! Well, good for you! Keep reaching for that star. You know, the one that fizzled out way back 1916, but the light is just reaching you now. It’s a pointless exercise, for sure, but keep at it! You’ll at least keep your shoulder joints active.

Church Refuses Communion To Elderly Gay Couple

December 8th, 2006

Billy The Roman Catholic Commuion Wafer

An anti-gay archbishop? Unthinkable! Well, OK, maybe not.

Archbishop Terrence Prendergast of the Halifax archdiocese has demanded that his priests refuse holy communion to Daniel Poirier and Jack Murphy, an elderly gay couple.

The unexpected and swift punishment came after the two 69-year-olds published their wedding announcement in a local newspaper. The couple, who have been Roman Catholic their entire lives, were completely shocked.

“It really was a blow,” said Daniel. “When we went to church there, it was like going into a warehouse; it was cold, because when everybody got up to receive communion, we had to sit down. I was almost in tears and my heart was broken.”

The church also removed Daniel from his position as choir director.

Ah, isn’t the Catholic Church enlightened? It’s such a simple idea: Judge others harshly in front of friends and community by exploiting the Holy Sacrament! After all, gay sinners are, like, 50 cagillion times worse than straight sinners. That’s the Church’s motto, right?

Well, until Monday, folks! Have a great weeken—oh, wait, no. There was some other recent news I was supposed to remember to tell you guys about today… What was it? Something about a vote—a defeated motion, maybe? I think it might have involved a 52-vote margin. Oh well, I’m sure it was nothing newsworthy.

Have a good one!

Tories Motion To Repeal Same-Sex Marriage

December 6th, 2006

Phantom Mare

Today’s the big day! The day where gay people and anti-gay crazies unite in watching a mind-numbingly boring debate on CPAC. Ah, what fun we’ll all have! The debate, of course, is over this motion:

That this house call on government to introduce legislation to restore the traditional definition of marriage without affecting civil unions and while respecting existing same-sex marriages.

An interesting take on the word “respecting,” as I would figure declaring one’s marriage a mistake and ensuring it never happens again isn’t terrifically respectful. But, I digress.

The stakes are high; the effects, annoying. If one side loses, their well-fought rights will be rescinded with precident-setting legislation (then, uh, later re-instated by the courts over gross constitutional violations). If the other side loses… Well, they’re not affected in the slightest.

Either way, we’ll be treated to some highly entertaining copy from the anti-gay lobby. I guess that’s worth a little tax money, no?

Lobby Group Flips Out Over Gay NHL Film

December 4th, 2006


The Toronto Maple Leafs logo will be used in an upcoming film entitled Breakfast with Scot, the NHL announced last week. The film is a comedy about a gay ex-Leaf and his partner (the team’s lawyer) whose lives change when they become the guardians of an 11-year-old boy.

To the surprise of none, Brian Rushfeldt—spokesperson for the right-wing special interest group Canadian Family Action Coalition—nearly blew an eye vessel:

[The NHL’s endorsement] is the epitome of almost evil intent. Perhaps the most disturbing aspect of the entire situation is that an 11-year-old boy is being promoted as a poster child for gay sex.

I think we are definitely going to call upon Canadians and fans to have these people pay some price for this ludicrous business decision that they just made.

So… Brian wants Canadian hockey fans to boycott the NHL—our national pastime—because an independently produced comedy about a gay hockey player has licensed the Leafs logo? Yes, yes, the logic is flawless: The NHL is exploiting an 11-year-old child to promote gay sex. With evil intent.

Well, Canadians—you heard the man! Stop watching hockey.

The Disastrous Consequences Of Same-Sex Marriage

December 1st, 2006

Same-Sex Marriage Consequences

December 6th—that’s the day the motion to re-open the same-sex marriage debate will be brought forward. The vote itself can happen right then, the day after, or after the Christmas break. And you know what that means! We’re one step closer to the 2006/2007 Marriage Debate Drinking Game!

The Rules:

Drink the specified number of shots whenever the following words are uttered in the House of Commons:

  • Traditional (1 drink)
  • Children (1 drink)
  • Polygamy (2 drinks)
  • Sanctity (2 drinks)
  • Social Experiment (3 drinks)
  • Constituent Survey (3 drinks)
  • I, Stephen Harper, will protect minority rights and the Charter (Your body-weight in kilograms divided by 3)

Words must be recorded in Hansard to qualify. As an added bonus, the first person to predict the number of drinking times correctly gets to take an additional shot.