Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during May, 2007

Poland To Launch Teletubby Probe

May 30th, 2007

Teletubby Probe

Poland’s conservative government is launching a probe into whether Tinky Winky of the Teletubbies is a gay character designed to promote homosexuality to children.

Purportedly, if Tinky Winky enjoys the probe, he’s gay.

U.S. Upholds Gay Blood Donor Ban

May 28th, 2007

Blood Bank

Despite a recommendation from the Red Cross, the FDA has refused to lift their ban on gay blood donors.

Like Canada, the United States permanently defers men who have had sex with another man from donating blood. The Red Cross called the ban “medically and scientifically unwarranted,” though the FDA contends a lift on the ban is not worth the risk of introducing HIV-infected blood into the supply.

Canadian Blood Services promised to review their policy this spring, where it’s hoped that the “gay deferral” will be replaced by one based on sexual behaviour rather than orientation. In Canada, the fastest-growing HIV demographic is young heterosexual women, which makes up a quarter of all HIV infections.

Toronto Councilor Explodes Over Gay Pride Funding

May 25th, 2007

Rob Ford Explodes

Rob Ford, a Toronto city councilor, has once again burst an eye vessel over gay issues at a city council meeting. Here’s what our delightful urban hayseed had to say before voting against the funding of Toronto’s Gay Pride Parade:

I don’t think we should be supporting sexuality and that’s where this money is going. That’s what we’re supporting here, madam chair. I don’t believe we should be spending taxpayers’ money supporting your sexuality! If you’re gay great. If you’re not gay, that’s great too. That’s your prerogative. Do we have a straight parade? Do we have a heterosexual parade? Do we fund that? No! So I don’t know why we’re funding other things like that.

A heterosexual parade, eh? Now that would be a spectacle. All those straight couples holding hands in public, flaunting their babies for all to see…

Here’s the thing: Rob doesn’t know what a gay pride parade is. The reason straight pride festivals don’t exist is because it’s not about “supporting sexuality.” Pride parades exist because pride is the opposite of shame—which is what many would still have us feel.

If Rob had ever been to a gay pride parade, he’d note its highly political nature, with groups representing equality advocacy organisations, help for struggling teens, parent support systems, MPs and MLAs, educators, councilors, researchers, corporate sponsors, sport teams, music and theatre groups, veterans, and many others. It promotes diversity, celebrates culture, and—as in the case of Toronto—can be one of a city’s most successful tourist attractions. Of course, I don’t expect Rob to get this any time soon.

Ford was featured on this site last year for voting against AIDS education programs, announcing: “[if] you’re not gay, you won’t get AIDS”. He later apologised, blaming his outburst on “one too many beers.”

Incidentally, the funding for Toronto’s Pride Parade passed overwhelmingly, 36–2.

Ottawa Employees Circulate Homophobic Email

May 23rd, 2007

Inappropriate Email

The city of Ottawa is investigating two of its senior employees after a vulgar joke was emailed to staff members. The email, titled “Gentlemen, it’s time for your annual ‘Am I Gay’ self-examination,” contained a series of quick tests to determine one’s own sexual orientation. This included such gems as: “If you have a cat, you are a Flaaaaming homo,” “if you know more than six names of colors […] you might as well be handing out free passes to your ass,” and, for those that like lollipops, “you are in training to suck El Dicko and undeniably a fag.”

City Councillor Maria McRae called the emails hurtful and a blatant abuse of the city’s e-mail system. I call it a lame attempt at comedy. I mean, cats? Colours? Lollipops? There wasn’t even one Kylie reference! As a gay man, I’m insulted.

Happy Victoria Day

May 21st, 2007

Victoria Day Surprise

Hey kiddos! As typical of my holiday posts, there’s no new news for today. It is, after all, Victoria Day: The day where Canadians everywhere take a few moments to reflect on how Queen Victoria has personally affected their lives.

Say, is anyone else a little tickled by the notion that Canada’s anti-gay lobby is happily taking the day off in recognition of a queen?

Well, until Wednesday, folks!

Toronto Police Spied On Gays

May 18th, 2007

Spy Vs. Gay

The Toronto police used undercover detectives to spy on the city’s gay community throughout the 1980s, according to a surveillance report leaked to the media this week. Community members under surveillance included gay business owners, conference attendees, and candidates running for city council.

I’d tell you my thoughts on the matter, but this line’s not safe. If you want to learn more, meet me at the you-know-where at 11 pm tonight. Come alone.

Actually, on second thought, can we meet at noon instead? A bunch of movies came out, so I want to keep my evenings open. And maybe change you-know-where to Starbucks; I have a gift card that I need to use up and I hear their new orange mocha is amazing!

Alberta Cop Fined For Gay Porn Joke

May 16th, 2007

I (slap) Lame Pranks

You know how these police busts go down: A police officer gets a warrant to search a house, finds drug evidence, and replaces the subject’s computer desktop image with the message: “I gay porn.”

Heh, get it? Now the computer desktop suggests that it’s owner enjoys gay porn and is gay! What a gas!

Comedy aside, Constable Christa Pennie, who was ultimately fined 20 hours’ salary for her prank, turned herself in, expressing regret over the incident:

From the very beginning I’ve had remorse over it. I don’t have any excuse for my behaviour, and making an excuse just cheapens it all.

Pennie also put dental floss between the teeth of two of the subject’s (presumably hideous) ornaments.

India Rejects Canadian Diplomats

May 14th, 2007

Diplomat in India

Two Canadians have been barred from receiving diplomatic status in India because they’re gay. The gay man and lesbian woman would ordinarily receive diplomatic-spousal status, but homosexuality is illegal in India and government officials declared spousal recognition out of the question.

So, basically, diplomatic immunity is an impossibility because being gay violates Indian law. Neat.

Interestingly, the Canadian government is refusing to comment on the situation, though a Foreign Affairs spokesperson said that the New Delhi embassy had contacted them in regards to the matter.

American Father Says Amazon.ca Offers Porn To Kids

May 11th, 2007

Sociology Book

An American dad is furious with Amazon.ca after his daughter found a sociology book using the site’s search function.

The book—a compilation of academic essays compiled by Todd G. Morrison, PhD—is entitled Eclectic Views on Gay Male Pornography and was listed among the three pages of results for the keywords “science videos”.

The father was inconsolable:

My child wanted to know what this stuff was all about. Imagine my shock and awe!

[Amazon said] they don’t censor their materials, and will be inclusive of Gay material. I replied back and asked how a science video search could return pornography. So far, no answers.

You know, I think I’ll start an Amazon Wish List.

As for why a search for “science videos” would turn up this book (which is notably not pornography), I have one explanation: Amazon’s search feature sucks llama gonads.

Still, though it’s far too late for the daughter (she has undoubtedly turned gay after this fiasco), I have to say the book sounds like an interesting read. Even if it turns out to be horrendously dull, a collection of essays is a great way to deal with insomnia.

And a tip o’ the hat to Jeremy at Good As You for the story.

Chemical Attacks In Gay Village Going Uninvestigated

May 9th, 2007

Lavender Oil Attack

A noxious gas introduced into the ventilation systems of two gay bars in Toronto last weekend is going uninvestigated.

While evidence suggests an ammonia-based gas, which burned some patrons’ lungs for hours after they were evacuated, Toronto’s Sergeant Stan Belza said it was probably just pepper-spray: “We were called; people were finding it hard to breathe.” When asked about pending investigations, Belza said the case has been dropped.

Although this incident could have been a prank (or two consecutive accidents), I have to say the lack of response is a little worrying. I mean, ammonia odors are pretty common in straight bars, but this is the gay village.

Priest Resigns Over Anti-Gay Hierarchy

May 7th, 2007

Boot-o-matic

Reverend Shawn Sanford Beck, a priest in Saskatoon, has resigned his position after refusing to renounce same-sex marriage. Beck, who had his license stripped in January, was given a temporary license and an ultimatum by Bishop Rodney Andrews back in March: Either stop supporting equal rights for gays, or get lost.

Well, it looks like Beck has bravely chosen the latter. (Though he made his intention clear quite some time ago.) In an open letter, he called the church’s position on same-sex marriage “theologically problematic and fundamentally unjust.”

And, with that, I’m officially out of ideas on how to illustrate priests being kicked out by their churches. If you’ve got an idea for the next one, send your suggestions to:

Priest Ejections
c/o Slap Upside The Head
123 Gay Street
Montréal, QC G4Y 8O1

The Pink Plateau

May 4th, 2007

The Pink Plateau

The Pink Plateau.
A Haiku Collection.

I step quietly
the wind stirring long pink blades
a boundless plateau

Well, not a real field
a metaphorical one
the “gay glass ceiling”

The corporate world
is harsh and unforgiving
as John Browne found out

Don’t you find it strange
one would risk resignation
over coming out?

Clients shouldn’t flee
careers should not be ruined
just because you’re gay

So start the mower
we’ve got pink grass bags to fill
for downtown pinkville

Male Doctor Homophobia Surprises Researchers

May 2nd, 2007

Athlete and Physician

Researchers at the University of Alberta’s Glen Sather Sports Medicine Clinic have found that athletes prefer female doctors to male ones. While the results were primarily attributed to the non-confrontational and caring attitude of female doctors, Dr. Marni Wesner, one of the researchers conducting the work, said she was taken off-guard by one additional recurring element: homophobia.

In particular, Wesner said that some male athletes expressed they’d dislike a male team doctor because they “don’t know if he’s gay.”

Now, this might just be me, but a doctor’s sexual orientation would probably concern me less than, say, the crippling pain that sent me there in the first place. Though, if potential attraction were a concern, I’d remind myself that doctors have seen so much anatomy under the context of injuries and infections that they probably turned asexual long ago.