Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during May, 2010

Life In Boxes

May 31st, 2010

I just moved to a new place and my computer is buried under several hundred thousand other boxes, so there won’t not be no lack of new slaps not posted this week. Until then, have a great week kiddos!

CIA Almost Produced Fake Saddam Gay Sex Tape

May 28th, 2010

Actor auditions for the Sadam gay sex tape, but doesn't understand his motivation.

The United State’s Central Intelligence Agency’s Iraq Operations Group had proposed creating and circulating a fake gay sex tape depicting Saddam Hussein with a teenage boy. The idea was that Iraqis would be so shocked with the grainy camera footage that the entire Saddam regime would become destabilized and easier to invade.

Thankfully—very, very thankfully—higher authorities at the CIA rejected the idea before it was put into action. A CIA operative, speaking on the condition of anonymity dismissed the plan as having “no resonance in the Middle East.” “Nobody cares,” he said. “Trying to mount such a campaign would show a total misunderstanding of the target. We always mistake our own taboos as universal when, in fact, they are just our taboos.”

Interesting perspective, but with all due respect to this CIA guy, I think having sex with Saddam Freakin’ Hussein was taboo pretty much everywhere.

Canada May Allow Gay Blood Donors

May 26th, 2010

A group of doctors has come forward in support of lifting Canadian Blood Services’ permanent deferral of gay men donating blood. In a medical paper published in yesterday’s issue of the Canadian Medical Association Journal, several doctors submitted that the ban is unscientific, harmful and must be reconsidered. A step in the right direction, if Canadian Blood Services takes notice.

In Canada, all potential blood donors must fill out a questionnaire before getting in the chair. Any man who answers yes to a question asking if he has had sex with another man—even once—since the 1970s is permanently barred from donating.

Canada has been facing a blood shortage, and while the safety of the blood supply is more important than the right of any individual to donate, the questionnaire is flawed; it filters potential donors based purely on who they are, not through any scientific risk analysis. This not only turns away healthy gay donors and fails to catch unhealthy heterosexual ones,  but also perpetuates the myth that all gay men are inherently dangerous. Replacing the question with one that, instead, filters potential donors based on a history of risky behaviour irrespective of their gender would solve these issues.

Hopefully Canadian Blood Services will take note. And who knows? With more and more medical experts coming out against the ban, maybe one day I, too, will be able to experience the pleasure of having my veins punctured with hollow metal spikes, and watch litres of blood leave my body into bags until I feel woozy.

Happy Victoria Day

May 24th, 2010

Well, it’s Victoria Day in Canada. For those unfamiliar with this grim holiday, tradition demands that one citizen be selected by lottery and sacrificed to appease the ghost of Queen Victoria. This goes back to the mid 19th century, where the vengeful Queen wished this curse on Canada as reparation for Princess Louise’s terrifying sleigh accident in February of 1840. Of course, nowadays the sacrificial ceremony is all done in effigy as solemn historical remembrance. Queen Victoria, having calmed herself a bit in the afterlife, seems to be OK with it. Regular posts will resume on Wednesday. Have a great holiday, kids!

Canada To Deport Another Gay Refugee Claimant

May 21st, 2010

To prove one's gayness, one must identify a ridiculous object

A 29-year-old gay man is going to be deported from Canada to Iran, where he could face death by stoning for charges of sodomy. The young man, identified only as Yaser, had his deportation ordered after the Immigration Refugee Board determined that he could not be gay because he could not identify the rainbow flag and didn’t attend a Pride parade.

While I certainly don’t have enough information to personally conclude if Yaser is gay or not, I can say for certain that the IRB’s methods are presumptuous and seriously flawed. Either that, or I guess I wasn’t gay all those years that I didn’t attend Pride.

Canada’s record of accommodating gay refugees is atrocious, and is getting worse with each case. The board often declines refugees for failing to prove they are gay—a trait they had gone to great extends to hide in their home country. The inability to deal with gay refugee cases sensitively isn’t just Canada’s problem, either. Kiana Firouz, a 27-year-old lesbian is also fighting a deportation order from the United Kingdom to Iran, where she faces death by hanging for being gay.

Gay Malawians Sentenced For “Unnatural Acts”

May 19th, 2010

Figure 1-A: Riding a bike; An unnatural act.

Steven Monjeza and Tiwonge Chimbalanga, a gay couple in their twenties have been found guilty of “unnatural acts” in a Malawian court yesterday. The two were arrested in late December while celebrating their recent engagement with a party. Now that the verdict has been delivered, they could face a prison term of up to 14 years.

The court ruling was was delivered in a building made of highly unnatural concrete, lit unnaturally by glass tubes coated with unnatural phosphoric powder, excited by billions and billions of electrons carried through an unnatural system of wires. The court verdict was recorded into a computer, which interestingly enough, was natural, having been picked that morning from a computer tree.

Homosexuality, incidentally, has been observed in hundreds upon hundreds of species in the most unnatural environment of all: Nature.

Pope: Gay Marriage “Insidious And Dangerous”

May 17th, 2010

Person cowers in terror by being in the vicinity of a happy gay couple.

Pope Benedict XVI has called same-sex marriage one of the two most “insidious and dangerous threats” facing the world today. (The other being abortion.)

Well, everyone’s entitled to—hey, I just remembered something! I don’t give a flying ball of ass over what an 83-year-old celibate charged with overseeing the most sexually dysfunctional institution on earth thinks about what constitutes a dangerous relationship.

Civil Marriage Commissioner Bill Goes To Court

May 14th, 2010

My religion is clear: Thou shalt be a total dorkwad.

A discriminatory bill that would allow civil marriage commissioners to refuse their public services to gay couples went before the Saskatchewan Court of Appeal yesterday. The bill was, strangely enough, brought to court by the government that’s ultimately trying to introduce it in an attempt to predetermine its constitutionality.

I’m certainly no lawyer, but the fact that the provincial government even has to consult the courts shows what a constitutionally shaky bit of nonsense this is. I mean, I can’t imagine how allowing people to refuse public services based on personally held beliefs can mesh with Canada’s Charter of Rights. Civil marriage commissioners provide non-religious ceremonies for couples that do not wish to be married by a priest in a church. If these commissioners interpret their personal religious texts in a way that forbids them from serving a segment of the public in a professional capacity—and that’s a pretty big stretch, if you ask me—then they’ve chosen a career forbidden by their faith and had better choose another.

Personally, I have a feeling that we have nothing to worry about, but if my intuition is wrong and the court rules in favour of the bill, then I have a ton of questions. In addition to gays, could civil marriage commissioners refuse to marry an inter-faith couple? How about a couple who has a child out of wedlock? Does this incredible trump card apply to other careers? Could a vegetarian working at a provincial registry refuse to file paperwork for hunting licenses? What about a pharmacist who’s a Scientologist refusing to fill prescriptions for anti-depressants? Can a doctor who’s a Jehovah’s witness refuse to perform blood transfusions?

And if those questions are too hypothetical at this point, how about a thick-headed premier who’s an Annelidaterian forcing all Saskatonians to open a massive can of writhing, slimy earthworms?

I guess we’ll find out soon!

Senator Moves To Disallow Gay Families From Campsites

May 12th, 2010

Gay people go camping while a senator is alarmed that they've pitched a tent and have now taken out their wieners.

A Republican senator from Iowa is severely irked over the idea that gay couples should be allowed alongside heterosexual families on state campsites.

Lawmakers in Iowa have proposed updating the books so that gay couples will qualify for a family permit when camping. This would allow gay families to set up two tents on the same site so children and other state-defined dependents can join in on the weenie and marshmallow roasts. This, of course, sent state Republican Merlin Bartz into fits.

“A lot of the advocates of gay marriage in Iowa has said ‘It doesn’t affect anything; nothing has changed’,” Bartz told the press, “but the reality of it is that everything is changing.”

And, gosh, what a change this is. Gay parents are bringing their families to camp sites! That’s one of the signs of Armageddon, isn’t it?

(Thanks to Slap reader Kevin for alerting me to this one!)

Tories Cut Pride Funding

May 10th, 2010

Man attempts to stab a screaming pride flag

Pride Toronto has been denied any funding this year from the federal government. The festival, which had previously been supported with federal tourism programs, brought in an estimated $100 million in tourism dollars last year, most of which was subject to GST/PST.

This denial of funds is not much of a surprise considering the Conservative’s attack on gay festivals last year. Diane Ablonsky was removed from her position immediately after announcing that she had allocated $400,000 to Pride Toronto to help make the festival events more accessible to people with disabilities. Immediately after, the Tories cut funding to Montréal’s Divers/Cité festival and the Black and Blue festival.

Don’t think that these cuts were across the board, mind you. The federal government has still allocated $100,000,000 over two years to support tourism in Canada. Industry Minister Tony Clement touted the program as representing “every corner of Canada,” but I guess gays aren’t in one of those corners, since not a single gay cultural event is represented.

Here are a few of the things that are:

  • Burlington’s Ribfest will get $98,610
  • The Gatineau balloon festival will be receiving $170,000
  • The Ontario Plowmen’s Association will receive $255,460
  • The Norfolk Horse Show will get $171,000
  • Old Home Week will receive $134,888

And let’s not forget the Calgary Stampede, which will receive $1,001,625. That’s only $80,000 less than the second balloon festival being given federal funds this year, the Saint-Jean-sur-Richeliu balloon festival, at $1,082,100.

Well, I sure hope some of those balloons are rainbow-coloured, because that’s about as gay as it’s going to get this year.

Toronto Mayoral Candidate Motions To Defund Pride

May 7th, 2010

Giorgio Mammoliti rids Toronto of its tourism problem through mayoral nongayosity.

Giorgio Mammoliti, a Toronto city councillor and mayoral candidate in the upcoming municipal election, has officially motioned to withdraw funding from Toronto Pride, one of North America’s largest gay pride festivals and a massive tourism boost for the city. Mammoliti’s proposal comes with a condition, however—a little ultimatum that would let him micromanage which groups are allowed to march in the Pride parade.

You see, Toronto Pride, like many gay groups, is currently involved in some community infighting. The sort of gay drama that would make a drag queen proud. Specifically, it’s over whether or not to vet parade banners to regulate exactly how tolerant versus free-speechy everything is—or something like that; I don’t know all the details.

What I do know is that Mammoliti, not satisfied with leaving the community to manage these things on its own like it always does, has decided to leverage the minor controversy and attempt the defunding of the festival from the city’s budget entirely.

The gist of the motion is this: If a group called Queers Against Israeli Apartheid, whose controversial signs were a sore spot for some community members last year, is allowed to march in the Pride parade,  then the City of Toronto’s 2010 “funding and support” of the festival will be revoked entirely.

Now, Mammoliti has a documented history of anti-gay attitudes. He once dismissed gay relationships in a discussion about human rights by declaring that our “body part’s aren’t complementary; they don’t fit together.” (Err… Should we explain it to him? I really hope that won’t require a diagram.)

He also went on to quote from a bizarre sado-masochism manual, as if all gay people—and no straight people—are into that sort of thing. “What does that say about the [gay] community?” he asked, rhetorically.

Not sure about that one, but it does makes me think. What do weaselly city council motions from Toronto mayoral candidates say about the suit-wearing community?

Still Think Pray-Away-The-Gay Works, George Rekers?

May 5th, 2010

A preacher casts gay demons out, in a magnificent rainbow swirl with fairies, hearts, starts, etc.

The idea that homosexuality can be eliminated through prayer is about as old as it is wrong. I like to think that there aren’t many people who still believe it, but just this week a member of the UK’s large Conservative party declared, on record, that homosexuality is “the work of demons,” and can be cured through “the power of prayer.”

You know who else thinks that gays can be turned straight? George Rekers, one of the United State’s most prominent anti-gay activists. He, along with his good friend, James Dobson, founded the Family Research Council, a large anti-gay organization whose initiatives have caused incalculable suffering. He actively sought to end all legal protections for gay citizens ranging from marriage rights and adoption rights to simple protection from hate crimes. He also encourages parents to send their young teens to discredited and harmful rehabilitation camps so they can be “cured” of homosexuality.

Now, this has happened enough times that you can probably just assume where this is going, but guess who was caught hiring a young, male prostitute from one of the web’s most prominent gay escort sites to accompany him on a European vacation? (Here’s a hint: it’s George Rekers.)

Rekers, who was photographed with his rent boy at the airport, claims he simply hired the sex worker to help him carry his luggage. I guess he probably wouldn’t have been satisfied with the complimentary help that most airports provide. Plus, luggage carrying usually requires the sort of “smooth, sweet, tight ass” that Reker’s luggage-carrier advertised on his gay escort website. (You know, the gay escort site where Reker found him… to carry luggage.)

If you want to hear from Rekers himself on the topic of everything gay, be sure to check out his booklet, “Prevention of Homosexuality,” which can be picked up at any of the pray-away-the-gay seminars hosted by Exodus International. (Also available in Portuguese! A Prevenção da Homossexualidade.)

(Hat tip to Wayne Besen over at Truth Wins Out for the story.)

Hate Crime Gets Tough Sentence

May 3rd, 2010

Two-headed alien commits an anti-human hate crime.

A Vancouver man has been given a harsh, year-long prison sentence for assaulting a gay man back in September, 2008.

Jordan Smith was holding hands with his boyfriend as they walked along the street in Vancouver’s gay district when he was attacked by Michael Kandola. The attack knocked Smith out cold and broke his jaw, requiring surgery to have it wired shut.

Smith had never held hands with his boyfriend in public before and hasn’t done so since.

Kandola’s lawyers argued that the assault, caught on film by a security camera, should not be considered a hate crime—a notion that the judge rightfully dismissed. The attacker shouted anti-gay slurs before and after the assault, even as the victim was laying unconscious on the ground.

This is one of the first gay bashings to be ultimately ruled a hate crime under sections 318 and 319 of Canada’s criminal code—a very welcome change from the norm.

You see, occasionally, I hear some nonsense about how “all crimes are hate crimes,” and that tougher sentences shouldn’t be given in instances like Smith’s attack. I could not disagree as completely as I do with this sentiment. Hate crimes are different from regular crimes in that they target an entire community, not just a single victim. They send the message that all gay people had better watch their backs. This ruling sends the message that anyone who would terrorize the gay community with violence should watch theirs.