As some of you may have heard, around two thousand blackbirds have died mysteriously, literally falling from the sky in Arkansas. Although dubbed the Aflockalypse by the fear-loving media, scientists are reassuring people that mass bird deaths (which sound more impressive than they are, considering a single roost can contain several million birds) are actually fairly normal, caused by any number of mundane reasons.
Scientists’ explanations aren’t enough for everyone, though. There are people like Cindy Jacobs of the Generals International Ministry who have an entirely different explanation.
“According to biblical principles,” Cindy announced in an online video, “marriage is between a man and a woman, so we have to say ‘what happens when a nation makes a decision that’s against God’s principles?'”
Yes, this is going exactly where it sounds like it’s going.
The reason that two thousand blackbirds “just fell out of the air,” according to Jacobs, is a combination of the United States’ increasing acceptance of equal marriage rights and the recent repeal of the military’s discriminatory Don’t Ask,Don’t Tell policy. But don’t take my word for it. Let her explain it herself.
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, Cindy may have discovered our little secret—but know this, Cin-dee Jay-Kobs! Our bird killing powers can be used for more than just blackbirds! Soon, we will move on to pigeons! Then emus! And so on in that fashion… So if you don’t deliver a box of ten assorted Timbits™ to my doorstep before sundown, you will feel the wrath of our Gay Aflockalypse!