Here are all the fantastically amazing entries posted during October, 2012

Russian Anti-Gay Lobby Warns About Gay Milk

October 29th, 2012

Gay Brand Homo Milk: Taste The Gay

Other countries take note. If you enact crazy anti-gay laws forbidding any positive portrayals of homosexuality, here’s what you can expect to happen:

A popular brand of milk is being accused of illegally promoting homosexuality in St-Petersburg, Russia. The milk, a PepsiCo-owned brand, features a jolly dairy farmer, standing in a lovely green field beside a rather happy-looking cow, with a rainbow arching across the sky.

“A rainbow appeared on the [milk] cartons, a world-renowned symbol of the gay movement,” said Anatoly Artukh, a member of the anti-gay lobby group People’s Council. “That immediately put me on alert.”

Put him on alert for what, exactly? That someone, somewhere is going to sit down for breakfast, see a rainbow on their milk carton and think: “Hey, you know what I’ve never questioned before? My sexuality. Maybe I’ll call that number I saw written on the wall of that truck stop’s men’s room.”

Heaven forbid a real rainbow should ever appear across the sky in St-Petersburg. The meteorologists would have quite a bit of explaining to do.

Of course, here in Canada, milk that has undergone the homogenization process is marketed as “homo milk.” And it’s marketed to children. I know a lot of people who drank homo milk growing up that didn’t turn out gay, but then again—there wasn’t a rainbow on the carton.

Report Says Women Drivers Cause Homosexuality

October 15th, 2012

The New Fjord Focus: Shoots intense rainbow beams from its headlights! Anyone caught by their prismatic splendor WILL question their sexuality.

 

Saudi Arabia is one of the only countries in the world that forbids women from driving. Any woman caught behind the wheel there is subject to arrest and lashings.

Amidst growing international criticism for this policy, a report prepared for the country’s legislative assembly has been released to justify their laws and bolster support. The report’s findings don’t look good, I’m afraid: Allowing women to drive vehicles, it says, would “increase prostitution, pornography, homosexuality, and divorce.”

The authors didn’t detail how women drivers actually results in these things, but my mother drove me places growing up, and I turned out gay. So—as you can see—all the pieces fit.

My former MP, Rob Anders, a fierce opponent of “homosexual sex marriage,” has once again done something incredibly dumb. Rick Mercer explains it nicely.

Pope Says Gays Aren’t Fully Developed Humans Who Threaten Families

October 1st, 2012

A half-formed human emerges from a swamp: "Must... Destroy... Families!"

In a speech to French bishops last week, Pope Benedict XVI announced that gay people aren’t fully developed humans and are threatening families. While I’m sure very few gay people actually care what the pope thinks of us, sometimes this guy just evokes imagery I really want to draw.

“The family is threatened in many places by a faulty conception of human nature,” the Pope said in reference to the emergence of equal marriage laws. “[The Church] must promote those values that permit the full development of the human person,” he continued.

Hmm… I was born a few weeks prematurely. Do you suppose that’s what the Pope means?

At any rate, this about-face on the subject of the “full development of the human person” is kind of new for the Catholic Church, who normally argues for the rights of zygotes, fetuses, and other not fully developed humans. Still, for the time being, it’s clear that half-developed human creatures (all of which are gay) are out to destroy your family. So, you know, be on the look out for that or something.