Anyone who requested a sexy underwear catalogue from Priape, Canada’s most well-known gay adult store, may be surprised to discover that their discreet, opaque packaging suddenly isn’t as discreet as it used to be. In fact, Priape reports that many have been prominently stamped with the words “adult material.”

The stamp was put there without Priape’s knowledge by Canada Post, our beloved mail carriers,  in conformance with new policies on “non-mailable matter.” These policies, which came into effect just over a year ago, now mandate that all “sexually suggestive” admail—even commercial mail that is explicitly addressed to the recipient—be clearly labelled as adult material, thwarting all attempts at discretion. This includes all images “that are suggestive of sexual activity,” as well as text that “describes sexual acts in a way that is more than purely technical.” (Ooh, saucy!)

A spokesperson for Canada Post told Xtra that this policy was all to protect the wee ones, explaining: “If you send it to a family and the children open the parcel, now that could be a problem.”

Yes, children opening nondescript envelopes that weren’t addressed to them would be a problem, wouldn’t it? It’s a good thing stamping “adult material” on the parcel will stop them; why, no curious kid would dare open a mysterious, forbidden envelope, labelled strictly for adults only. So thanks, Canada Post, for taking parenting responsibilities out of the hands of, well, parents, who are too burdened to ensure that their solicited, adult-ish materials stay out of their own children’s grasp.

• Canada Post stamps warning on solicited mail [Xtra]

Canada Post has temporarily shut down their Write To Santa program—a volunteer-run promotion in which children get a personalized response to their wish list from Santa at the North Pole. The program, which has been in effect since 1982 (Heck, I remember writing to Santa as a kid), relies on thousands of Canada Post volunteers adding a hand-written message to a form response in any of the world’s languages.

The unfortunate shutdown is an emergency response after some peculiar responses were sent on behalf of the jolly gift-giver. Here’s what was sent to a two-year-old and ten-year-old child in Ottawa on Friday:

Your mom sucks dick and your dad is gay.
P.S. This letter is too long, you dumb shit.

Ho Ho Ho-ly crap! Sounds like Santa has officially snapped from the holiday stress—and he managed to pepper in some homophobia while being a total ass to Children. Class act, that Santa.

Canada Post is horrified. 10 cases of Santa’s foul-mouthed responses have been reported and the company has advised parents not to open Santa’s letters in front of children. Behind the scenes, an internal investigation is underway and each unsent letter is being opened, inspected, and re-sent. A volunteer tracking system is also being developed to prevent this sort of incident from happening next year.

Now, remember kids: The tracking program won’t be ready for a while, so once this year’s program is re-started, it won’t be too late to get your own traumatizing reply from Santa! Send your Christmas wish-list to:

Tip o’ the hat to unrepentant old hippie.

• Canada Post ‘heartbroken’ over rude Santa letters [Ottawa Citizen]
• Santa helpers on the lookout for naughty letters [Canada.com]
• Canada Post tries to weed out naughty Santa letters [National Post]

Over 70 Vancouver postal workers walked off the job yesterday morning after discovering they were to deliver unaddressed homophobic pamphlets. The 28-page pamphlets, published by an Ontario church, tells gay readers that they are “ungodly, unhealthy, and unnatural” and calls AIDS “the consequences of homosexuality.”

Canada Post responded by saying they’re not in the business of censorship and will deliver the pamphlets, but would also not require that their postal workers handle them. Instead, managers will put the offensive brochures into envelopes and deliver them themselves. (Though, I suspect the envelopes are just a matter of convenience, as duct-taping the pamphlets into balls, dipping them into vats of self-curing synthetic compounds, then soldering them shut in elegant steel sarcophagi locked by puzzles requires unaffordable resources.)

Of course, in fairness, I haven’t seen the pamphlets so I can’t verify whether or not they’d qualify as hate mail under Canadian law. It’s my strong belief that—barring the incitement of hatred—every Canadian has the right to speak their mind. But, to the person that crafted the fliers… Dude, seriously, that can’t be your excuse…

Sending lengthy, unsolicited homophobic pamphlets half-way across the country? Talk about misplaced zeal! Just because you have the right to do something doesn’t make it the right thing to do, bucko!

• Postal workers upset with homophobic hate mail [Canada.com]
• Anti-homosexual brochure held up at Canada Post [CBC News]