OK, kiddo! Here are all the fantastically amazing posts tagged with Catholics

Pope Says Gays Aren’t Fully Developed Humans Who Threaten Families

October 1st, 2012

A half-formed human emerges from a swamp: "Must... Destroy... Families!"

In a speech to French bishops last week, Pope Benedict XVI announced that gay people aren’t fully developed humans and are threatening families. While I’m sure very few gay people actually care what the pope thinks of us, sometimes this guy just evokes imagery I really want to draw.

“The family is threatened in many places by a faulty conception of human nature,” the Pope said in reference to the emergence of equal marriage laws. “[The Church] must promote those values that permit the full development of the human person,” he continued.

Hmm… I was born a few weeks prematurely. Do you suppose that’s what the Pope means?

At any rate, this about-face on the subject of the “full development of the human person” is kind of new for the Catholic Church, who normally argues for the rights of zygotes, fetuses, and other not fully developed humans. Still, for the time being, it’s clear that half-developed human creatures (all of which are gay) are out to destroy your family. So, you know, be on the look out for that or something.

Catholic Sect Threatens Children Over Tolerance Policy

August 10th, 2011

A man sits at a dark table with poker chips: "Very well then, I'm betting 5000 children's futures."

The Coptic Orthodox Church has threatened to somehow withdraw 5000 schoolchildren from the Toronto Catholic District School Board unless the board scraps its plans to implement the government’s required tolerance and anti-homophobia policies.

Jeremiah Attaalla, a spokesperson for the sect, explained the bizarre hostage tactics to the press. “In these young grades, we don’t want teachers talking about God creating Adam and Steve; it’s Adam and Eve.”

A gross mischaracterization and a cliché all rolled into one. Impressive!

Indeed, schools adhereing to the new equity policy will not be “teaching homosexuality” as Attalla fears, since inherent traits like that can’t be taught or learned. Rather it’s about improving student life through programs proven to reduce bullying, such as gay-straight alliances.

Of course, Attaalla isn’t pleased about this prospect either. “Our members do not want gay-straight alliance groups in our Catholic schools,” he said. A strangely un-Catholic stance, since these programs have demonstrated a reduction in student distress, physical violence, and suicide.

Thankfully, it’s tough luck for Attaalla, because the Ontario government recently clarified that all decisions regarding whether or not to form LGBT support groups in publicly-funded schools rests solely with the students. The same students that he presumes to speak for.

Of course, there is another option. “We are a rich church,” Attaala continued, “so we’ll fund a new school if we have to.”

Pope: Gay Marriage “Insidious And Dangerous”

May 17th, 2010

Person cowers in terror by being in the vicinity of a happy gay couple.

Pope Benedict XVI has called same-sex marriage one of the two most “insidious and dangerous threats” facing the world today. (The other being abortion.)

Well, everyone’s entitled to—hey, I just remembered something! I don’t give a flying ball of ass over what an 83-year-old celibate charged with overseeing the most sexually dysfunctional institution on earth thinks about what constitutes a dangerous relationship.

Vatican Warns Gay-Friendly Ministry

February 15th, 2010

The Catholic Church has ordered New Ways Ministry, a religious group that welcomes gay and lesbian Catholics, to not speak about any gay-related subjects. Cardinal Francis George warned the group last week that they have “no approval or recognition from the Catholic Church.”

The group has been at odds with the Vatican for 11 years, when they were first told that their “public statements on homosexuality contained ambiguities and errors.”

Ambiguities and errors. Hey, that describes a bible that I grew up with pretty well. I wonder how that thing is doing these days? Staying relevant, I hope.

Vatican Welcomes Anti-Gay Anglicans Into Fold

October 21st, 2009

File photo

As far as religions go, I suppose you could do worse than the Anglicans. They at least entertain discussions about how to best integrate their doctrine with reality. They bless gay couples, for example, and extend to them the same dignities as any other parishioner—including eligibility for ordination.

Of course, all this love and tolerance doesn’t sit too well with churchgoers who miss the unity that only old-fashioned judgment and condemnation can bring. Priests and bishops have split, some have been fired, the locks on church doors have been changed to keep out congregations with differing perspectives—they’ve even started suing each other. Yet, all this kicking and moaning hasn’t stopped the church from trying to stay as relevant as it can. What are bitter coots to do?

Well, the Vatican has a proposal: Join the Catholic Church! Be as rabidly anti-gay as you like! Heck, they’ll even overlook the events that caused the Anglicans to split from Catholicism in the first place (it was a disagreement over King Henry VIII’s denied divorce in 1534, for what it’s worth) and recognize differing Anglican traditions by creating a new legal entity.

Aw, isn’t that just the most adorablest thing ever? There’s just nothing like a common dislike of us gays to mend a 475 year old religious rift.

Gay Altar Server Apalled After Being Fired

July 17th, 2009

Not that I'm calling the Church zombies or anything...

Here’s a neat lesson to start off your Friday: If you want to join a notoriously unwelcoming community, maybe try not to be surprised when you feel unwelcomed.

Jim Corcoran, a gay Catholic in Ontario, was shocked—shocked—to learn that he was removed from his church’s altar service after some of his fellow parishioners complained to the Diocese that a gay man was serving. Jim is now filing a human rights complaint against Bishop Nicola De Angelis for discrimination based on sexual orientation.

While Jim has every right to feel offended, his case will fail—if the Human Rights Tribunal even agrees to hear it at all. Churches, as private religious institutions, are exempt from having to conform to Canada’s Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That means, legally, they can discriminate against whomever they please, so long as it’s within their own private institutions and not within the public sphere.

So, while firing Jim just for being gay wasn’t a moral thing to do, churches are allowed to act that way—and happily seize the opportunity.

It’s what Jesus would do, after all, I guess.

And a courtly tip o’ the hat to the always amazing Matt Guerin at Queer Liberal for the story.

Vatican Orders MP To Leave Parliament

September 5th, 2008

The Vatican has ordered a Bloc Québecois MP, Rev. Raymond Gravel, to quit his post in Canadian parliament and return to being a Roman Catholic priest. Vatican officials indicated that Gravel’s support of same-sex marriage and women’s rights were the cause of the order.

This isn’t the first time The Vatican has ordered a public official to leave politics. From a Globe and Mail article: (emphasis mine)

In 1984, the Vatican also ordered Rev. Robert Ogle to give up his New Democratic Party seat in the House, in a bid to avoid a blurring of lines between the secular and spiritual worlds.

You heard it here first, kids: The Vatican always abstains from debating or influencing public policy!

Rev. Gravel expressed disappointment at having to leave politics, but said he had no choice but to comply, as being a priest was his first calling.

Anti-Gay Activist Loses Union Appeal

June 4th, 2008

Sue-Happy Susan

Susan Comstock, the Ontario woman who sued her employee union over their support of same-sex marriage, has lost her case—again. The Federal Court of Appeal sided with an earlier court ruling saying that the Public Service Alliance of Canada did not violate Ms. Comstock’s religious rights when it used a fraction of its union dues to promote social justice programs.

Ms. Comstock brought up the lawsuit in 2006, furious at her union for supporting equality for its gay members. She said that having even one penny of her union dues spent in support of same-sex marriage violated her religious beliefs. Of course, for this claim to work, one’s religious beliefs would be legally powerful enough to dictate the financial decisions of all organisations to which you belong, and that would just be nutty.

Still, Ms. Comstock has 60 days to decide if she wants to bring this case to the Supreme Court. Considering her previous displays of delightfully bumptious litigation, I wouldn’t be that surprised if she does.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must sue my library. They used my membership fee to stock a dishy romance novel without a shirtless pirate on the cover. A spit in the face to literary tradition!

Church Refuses Communion To Elderly Gay Couple

December 8th, 2006

Billy The Roman Catholic Commuion Wafer

An anti-gay archbishop? Unthinkable! Well, OK, maybe not.

Archbishop Terrence Prendergast of the Halifax archdiocese has demanded that his priests refuse holy communion to Daniel Poirier and Jack Murphy, an elderly gay couple.

The unexpected and swift punishment came after the two 69-year-olds published their wedding announcement in a local newspaper. The couple, who have been Roman Catholic their entire lives, were completely shocked.

“It really was a blow,” said Daniel. “When we went to church there, it was like going into a warehouse; it was cold, because when everybody got up to receive communion, we had to sit down. I was almost in tears and my heart was broken.”

The church also removed Daniel from his position as choir director.

Ah, isn’t the Catholic Church enlightened? It’s such a simple idea: Judge others harshly in front of friends and community by exploiting the Holy Sacrament! After all, gay sinners are, like, 50 cagillion times worse than straight sinners. That’s the Church’s motto, right?

Well, until Monday, folks! Have a great weeken—oh, wait, no. There was some other recent news I was supposed to remember to tell you guys about today… What was it? Something about a vote—a defeated motion, maybe? I think it might have involved a 52-vote margin. Oh well, I’m sure it was nothing newsworthy.

Have a good one!

Church Almost Sorta Thinks About Welcoming Gays

November 20th, 2006

Sunday Mass

A group of U.S. Catholic bishops decided last week that the Church ought to be more accepting of gay people. In fact, after lengthy deliberation, they’ve officially adopted new guidelines acknowledging that gay people do not choose their orientation and should therefore receive communion! Well, with some provisions, of course. If you have sex, try to marry your partner, or tell anyone you’re gay, then there’s no communion for you!

So, there you have it. The Church’s definition of gay is now “total closet case.” I guess that’s still better than their old definition: “Spawn of evil incarnate.”