The Coptic Orthodox Church has threatened to somehow withdraw 5000 schoolchildren from the Toronto Catholic District School Board unless the board scraps its plans to implement the government’s required tolerance and anti-homophobia policies.

Jeremiah Attaalla, a spokesperson for the sect, explained the bizarre hostage tactics to the press. ”In these young grades, we don’t want teachers talking about God creating Adam and Steve; it’s Adam and Eve.”

A gross mischaracterization and a cliché all rolled into one. Impressive!

Indeed, schools adhereing to the new equity policy will not be “teaching homosexuality” as Attalla fears, since inherent traits like that can’t be taught or learned. Rather it’s about improving student life through programs proven to reduce bullying, such as gay-straight alliances.

Of course, Attaalla isn’t pleased about this prospect either. “Our members do not want gay-straight alliance groups in our Catholic schools,” he said. A strangely un-Catholic stance, since these programs have demonstrated a reduction in student distress, physical violence, and suicide.

Thankfully, it’s tough luck for Attaalla, because the Ontario government recently clarified that all decisions regarding whether or not to form LGBT support groups in publicly-funded schools rests solely with the students. The same students that he presumes to speak for.

Of course, there is another option. “We are a rich church,” Attaala continued, “so we’ll fund a new school if we have to.”

• Coptic Catholics threaten to withdraw students over gay policy [Parent Central]
• Church threatens to pull children from Catholic schools [Xtra]

Pope Benedict XVI has called same-sex marriage one of the two most “insidious and dangerous threats” facing the world today. (The other being abortion.)

Well, everyone’s entitled to—hey, I just remembered something! I don’t give a flying ball of ass over what an 83-year-old celibate charged with overseeing the most sexually dysfunctional institution on earth thinks about what constitutes a dangerous relationship.

• Pope calls abortion, gay marriage insidious threat [Associated Press]

The Catholic Church has ordered New Ways Ministry, a religious group that welcomes gay and lesbian Catholics, to not speak about any gay-related subjects. Cardinal Francis George warned the group last week that they have “no approval or recognition from the Catholic Church.”

The group has been at odds with the Vatican for 11 years, when they were first told that their “public statements on homosexuality contained ambiguities and errors.”

Ambiguities and errors. Hey, that describes a bible that I grew up with pretty well. I wonder how that thing is doing these days? Staying relevant, I hope.

• Christian help group has ‘no approval’ from Catholic Church [Digital Journal]

As far as religions go, I suppose you could do worse than the Anglicans. They at least entertain discussions about how to best integrate their doctrine with reality. They bless gay couples, for example, and extend to them the same dignities as any other parishioner—including eligibility for ordination.

Of course, all this love and tolerance doesn’t sit too well with churchgoers who miss the unity that only old-fashioned judgment and condemnation can bring. Priests and bishops have split, some have been fired, the locks on church doors have been changed to keep out congregations with differing perspectives—they’ve even started suing each other. Yet, all this kicking and moaning hasn’t stopped the church from trying to stay as relevant as it can. What are bitter coots to do?

Well, the Vatican has a proposal: Join the Catholic Church! Be as rabidly anti-gay as you like! Heck, they’ll even overlook the events that caused the Anglicans to split from Catholicism in the first place (it was a disagreement over King Henry VIII’s denied divorce in 1534, for what it’s worth) and recognize differing Anglican traditions by creating a new legal entity.

Aw, isn’t that just the most adorablest thing ever? There’s just nothing like a common dislike of us gays to mend a 475 year old religious rift.

• Catholic Church reaches out to Anglicans [CBC News]

Here’s a neat lesson to start off your Friday: If you want to join a notoriously unwelcoming community, maybe try not to be surprised when you feel unwelcomed.

Jim Corcoran, a gay Catholic in Ontario, was shocked—shocked—to learn that he was removed from his church’s altar service after some of his fellow parishioners complained to the Diocese that a gay man was serving. Jim is now filing a human rights complaint against Bishop Nicola De Angelis for discrimination based on sexual orientation.

While Jim has every right to feel offended, his case will fail—if the Human Rights Tribunal even agrees to hear it at all. Churches, as private religious institutions, are exempt from having to conform to Canada’s Charter of Rights and Freedoms. That means, legally, they can discriminate against whomever they please, so long as it’s within their own private institutions and not within the public sphere.

So, while firing Jim just for being gay wasn’t a moral thing to do, churches are allowed to act that way—and happily seize the opportunity.

It’s what Jesus would do, after all, I guess.

And a courtly tip o’ the hat to the always amazing Matt Guerin at Queer Liberal for the story.

• Gay altar server contests firing [National Post]

The Vatican has ordered a Bloc Québecois MP, Rev. Raymond Gravel, to quit his post in Canadian parliament and return to being a Roman Catholic priest. Vatican officials indicated that Gravel’s support of same-sex marriage and women’s rights were the cause of the order.

This isn’t the first time The Vatican has ordered a public official to leave politics. From a Globe and Mail article: (emphasis mine)

In 1984, the Vatican also ordered Rev. Robert Ogle to give up his New Democratic Party seat in the House, in a bid to avoid a blurring of lines between the secular and spiritual worlds.

You heard it here first, kids: The Vatican always abstains from debating or influencing public policy!

Rev. Gravel expressed disappointment at having to leave politics, but said he had no choice but to comply, as being a priest was his first calling.

• Priest ordered to give up seat [The Globe and Mail]