OK, kiddo! Here are all the fantastically amazing posts tagged with Communion

Church Refuses Communion To Elderly Gay Couple

December 8th, 2006

Billy The Roman Catholic Commuion Wafer

An anti-gay archbishop? Unthinkable! Well, OK, maybe not.

Archbishop Terrence Prendergast of the Halifax archdiocese has demanded that his priests refuse holy communion to Daniel Poirier and Jack Murphy, an elderly gay couple.

The unexpected and swift punishment came after the two 69-year-olds published their wedding announcement in a local newspaper. The couple, who have been Roman Catholic their entire lives, were completely shocked.

“It really was a blow,” said Daniel. “When we went to church there, it was like going into a warehouse; it was cold, because when everybody got up to receive communion, we had to sit down. I was almost in tears and my heart was broken.”

The church also removed Daniel from his position as choir director.

Ah, isn’t the Catholic Church enlightened? It’s such a simple idea: Judge others harshly in front of friends and community by exploiting the Holy Sacrament! After all, gay sinners are, like, 50 cagillion times worse than straight sinners. That’s the Church’s motto, right?

Well, until Monday, folks! Have a great weeken—oh, wait, no. There was some other recent news I was supposed to remember to tell you guys about today… What was it? Something about a vote—a defeated motion, maybe? I think it might have involved a 52-vote margin. Oh well, I’m sure it was nothing newsworthy.

Have a good one!

Church Almost Sorta Thinks About Welcoming Gays

November 20th, 2006

Sunday Mass

A group of U.S. Catholic bishops decided last week that the Church ought to be more accepting of gay people. In fact, after lengthy deliberation, they’ve officially adopted new guidelines acknowledging that gay people do not choose their orientation and should therefore receive communion! Well, with some provisions, of course. If you have sex, try to marry your partner, or tell anyone you’re gay, then there’s no communion for you!

So, there you have it. The Church’s definition of gay is now “total closet case.” I guess that’s still better than their old definition: “Spawn of evil incarnate.”

Bishop Fred Henry: Wafer Nazi

August 4th, 2006

No Wafer For You!

Retroactive Slap Another hysterically anti-gay nut from Calgary? Get out!

Fred Henry, a bishop from Calgary, wrote a pastoral letter (not quite as lovely as that sounds, trust me) that equated gays to prostitutes and pornographers, pressuring the government to do something about it. The wording wasn’t exactly subtle either. Well, you be the judge:

Since homosexuality, adultery, prostitution and pornography undermine the foundations of the family, the basis of society, then the state must use its coercive power to proscribe or curtail them in the interests of the common good.

Funny… The government did end up acting in the interests of the common good! You’d think Fred should be happy, but, well… Far be it from him to judge others, but after same-sex marriage became law, he judged all the politicians that voted for equality and refused to give them communion wafers. Oh, then he suggested that Prime Minister Paul Martin, should be excommunicated from the church. Bitter much, Fred?

Although, in fairness, we’ve all had our moments. I once wouldn’t let my best friend play at my house until he gave me back my He-Man action figure back in 1986.

Well, that, folks, was retroactive slap week! Up-to-date stories shall appear starting Monday!