OK, kiddo! Here are all the fantastically amazing posts tagged with Pope Benedict XVI

Vatican Reacts To Equal Marriage Advances

November 12th, 2012

POPEye! "Eye yam warght wyzegye raryare. Uck-kuk-kuk-kuk!"

Last Tuesday saw some pretty big wins for equal marriage rights in the United States. Voters in Maryland, Washington, and Maine solidly supported same-sex marriage, marking the first time that a popular vote granted marriage rights to same-sex couples in the country.

As usual, whenever big steps toward equality is made, I just have to check in on the Pope to make sure he hasn’t ruptured too many eye vessels. And from the noticeably stronger language coming out of the Vatican lately, he might need some prescription eye drops.

“It is clear that in Western countries there is a widespread tendency to modify the classic vision of marriage between a man and woman, or rather to try to give it up, erasing its specific and privileged legal recognition compared to other forms of union,” Federico Lombardi, the Vatican’s chief spokesman, announced after Tuesday’s elections.

Funny, I wasn’t under the impression that Maryland, Washington, and Maine “gave up” heterosexual marriage on Tuesday, but hey, in a country where the rights of minorities are voted on by the majority, I suppose anything can happen.

“Why not contemplate also freely chosen polygamy and, of course, not to discriminate, polyandry?” Lombardi asked rhetorically.

Well, that’s a little funny, because if you look at what the bible has to say about polygamous marriages (or “traditional marriages,” as historians would be correct to call them), I wouldn’t expect the Vatican to have any strong objections about it. Right?

Pope Says Gays Aren’t Fully Developed Humans Who Threaten Families

October 1st, 2012

A half-formed human emerges from a swamp: "Must... Destroy... Families!"

In a speech to French bishops last week, Pope Benedict XVI announced that gay people aren’t fully developed humans and are threatening families. While I’m sure very few gay people actually care what the pope thinks of us, sometimes this guy just evokes imagery I really want to draw.

“The family is threatened in many places by a faulty conception of human nature,” the Pope said in reference to the emergence of equal marriage laws. “[The Church] must promote those values that permit the full development of the human person,” he continued.

Hmm… I was born a few weeks prematurely. Do you suppose that’s what the Pope means?

At any rate, this about-face on the subject of the “full development of the human person” is kind of new for the Catholic Church, who normally argues for the rights of zygotes, fetuses, and other not fully developed humans. Still, for the time being, it’s clear that half-developed human creatures (all of which are gay) are out to destroy your family. So, you know, be on the look out for that or something.

Pope Pleads For Couples To Marry (Except Gays)

June 6th, 2011

A now a word from your exceptionally creepy pope.

Pope Benedict XVI appeared before an audience in Croatia yesterday to plead for couples to marry instead of simply living together as common-law partners. In his anticipated homily, the pope lamented a “secularized mentality which proposes living together as preparation, or even a substitute as marriage.”

So, to all you young couples out there: Do not, under any circumstances, live together before marrying. Just trust that all your quirks will be perfectly compatible, legally combine your lives and finances, and start having children right away. Don’t adopt; that robs children of their natural, unfit-by-admission parents. And take this advice to heart. After all, how could recommendations from an 84 year old celibate who has no personal experience with romantic relationships be wrong?

Still, it’s nice to hear the pope come out in vocal support of marriage after dedicating years to preventing me from getting married. I wonder what made him change his heart so quickl—oh, wait, my mistake; his speech still implied that gay families aren’t real families, our relationships are unnatural, and that we somehow rob children of their rights.

Ouch. And given all his years of wisdom, he must have a point; the pope lifestyle is far more natural. I mean, why else would popes emerge so readily in nature?

Food for thought, I guess…

Pope’s Visit To Be Gayly Protested

October 29th, 2010

The pope, in his pope mobile, surrounded by kissing gay couples, shields his eyes and cries "My eyes! The pope shield does nothing!"

The world’s most famous gay-disliker, Pope Benedict XVI, is being toted about Europe in his Popemobile™ this autumn, including a stopover in Barcelona. And while he’s poping it up Spanish style, he’ll be treated to quite the spectacle!

On November 7th, an organization called Queer Kissing Flashmob, has invited people from across Spain to come and protest the pope’s backward views on gays and women by locking a little same-sex lip. If all goes according to plan, while the Popemobile™ popes his popiness from the Plaza de la Catedral to the Sagrada Familia, he’ll be surrounded by hundreds of men and women, all gay-kissing each other.

Not one to be outdone, the pope is reportedly sharpening his laser-like gaze in preparation for the glowering of a lifetime. Fortunately, even the most accomplished glowerer is powerless when his subjects’ eyes are closed in a passionate and super-hot, gay kiss.

Best of luck to the organizers! May your Queer Kissing Flashmob be the queerest, kissingest, flashiest mob yet!

Pope: Gay Marriage “Insidious And Dangerous”

May 17th, 2010

Person cowers in terror by being in the vicinity of a happy gay couple.

Pope Benedict XVI has called same-sex marriage one of the two most “insidious and dangerous threats” facing the world today. (The other being abortion.)

Well, everyone’s entitled to—hey, I just remembered something! I don’t give a flying ball of ass over what an 83-year-old celibate charged with overseeing the most sexually dysfunctional institution on earth thinks about what constitutes a dangerous relationship.

Pope Condemns British Equality Legislation

February 3rd, 2010

Pope Benedict XVI issued a strong condemnation against Britain on Monday for enacting legislation protecting gays from workplace and housing discrimination.

After a confirmation that he would be visiting Britain later this year (the first such visit in 28 years), Benedict XVI seemed to imply that he wasn’t terrifically happy about it, announcing that the country’s equality laws had imposed “unjust limitations on the freedom of religious communities to act in accordance with their beliefs.”

Religions, incidentally, are exempt from Britain’s anti-discrimination legislation, granting Churches the ability to fire gay employees, or pass them over for promotion with impunity.

But this is an argument I hear time and time again—the idea that gay people are actually the intolerant ones, and equality legislation is all basically an attempt to limit religious freedom.

I’m not sure why it can’t go without saying, but that argument is dumb. Really, super dumb. The premise is essentially that tolerance means tolerating intolerance. We gay people, they imply, should submit ourselves to being treated as inferior, turn an accepting cheek to lobbying efforts to have us fired from our jobs, evicted from our homes, denied the equal right to civil marriage, and worse. Otherwise, it follows, we gays are restricting religious freedoms.

If there were gay lobby groups seeking constitutional amendments to ban religious marriage, attempting to gain the right to fire and evict religious people from their jobs, or seeking to deny religious people civil services, well, then these kooks can speak of intolerant gays trying to limit religious freedoms, but until then—they can apply their own standards of freedom and see who’s intolerant of whom.

Pope Calls Gays A Threat To All Creation

January 13th, 2010

Pope Benedict, speaking to several diplomats in Vatican City last week, called gay men and women—and the laws that protect their human rights—a threat to no less than all of humankind.

“Creatures differ from one another,” he began, “and can be protected or endangered in different ways, as we know from daily experience. One such attack comes from laws or proposals which, in the name of fighting discrimination, strike at the biological basis of the difference between sexes. I am thinking,” he continued, “of certain countries in Europe or North and South America.”

Ooh, a guessing game! Which countries and laws could he be referring to, I wonder…

OK, the pope’s argument isn’t well veiled. It’s also a tired one. It basically says that since gay couples can’t biologically reproduce with each other, enough gay people will spell the death of all humankind. Except that, you know, it wouldn’t.

I’m not sure what species the pope thinks gay people are, but even if all future generations, by an astronomical coincidence, were born gay, their reproductive bits would still function perfectly well. Gay men, for example, can and do donate their swimmy things to lesbian women, making the most adorable little people in the process. And everyone involved in the process is gay. Neat, huh?

It’s a bit of a hassle, mind you, and I suppose it’s for that reason that we can be at least a little bit thankful that we gay people aren’t even close to, or anywhere near likely to become, the majority of humankind. So maybe the pope could focus a little more on some of the real threats to humanity, like, oh… say, nuclear weapons, genocide, etcetera, etcetera.

The Pope Instructs Us All, Again

September 11th, 2006

All Hail Xartak!

Pope Benedict, fresh from blaming Canada’s low birth rate on same-sex marriage, has once again instructed lawmakers to strip away gay rights. Because, you know, it just tears families apart to think that one could allow loving gay couples to equally enjoy the legal institution of civil marriage. The paperwork is just far too sacred, I’m told.

Anyway, the pope’s latest effort in his long history of creative phrasing—delivered, of course, from his throne in the resplendent Vatican palace—goes like this: “In the name of tolerance, your country has had to endure the folly of the redefinition of spouse.”

Well, folly is a little unnecessary and… Wait a minute here. Let me check something

spouse (noun): A marriage partner; a husband or wife.

Nope, nope. Seems about the same to me.

Despite the pope’s ever-so-convincing speech, Gilles Marchildon of EGALE Canada, had to suggest that lawmakers follow the, uh, law:

We don’t have a state religion in Canada. Just as government doesn’t instruct the Catholic Church how to celebrate communion, the church shouldn’t instruct politicians on who can get married.

Very true. Because as unholy as the Charter of Rights must be, it does appear to guarantee citizen equality. Sorry, Pope of Canada.

Fun With Words At The Vatican

July 10th, 2006

Activity Page

Pope Benedict visited Spain over the weekend. His mission: to “protect the family.” And, as we all know by now, this actually means something more along the lines of “attack and malign the gays.”

Spain, you see, is the third country in the world to provide its citizens with equal marriage rights, and this isn’t sitting well with Benny. But while his message for Spain was penned in the same dinosaur-ese we’ve all come to know and love, I’m very excited to announce the Vatican appears to have hired some brand new creative writers!

You see, long gone are the days where same-sex marriage is merely “an attack on the family” and “an affront to God,” according to the Vatican. Now it’s “an attack on the pillar of humanity,” “an eclipse of God,” and their shiny new gun: “anarchic freedom!” Delightfully nutty!

Regardless of the descriptions, Emilio Menendez (one half of the first gay couple to be married in Spain) shared his thoughts on the pope’s vocal opinions:

There are many different types of family. What defines a family is not my sex, my color or anything, but rather the desire to stay together, to love each other.

I’m not surprised they don’t see us as a family but it’s just a question of time. The Church is very, very, very slow—four, five, six centuries behind.

Well said. But just think: the longer the Vatican takes to catch up with reality, the greater my chance of becoming a creative description writer and living in the Vatican palace! How about this one? “A giant mirror of, uh, un-familiness to block the… beacon… of family-osity!” No?

And Now A Chilling Message From The Pope

May 24th, 2006

Batten Down the Hatches

Run for cover! Pope Benedict XVI has a terrifying message for us Canadians!

In an allusion to same-sex marriage, the pope has blamed Canada’s declining birth rate on the “pervasive effects of secularism,” reiterating that the church proclaims and supports legislation “to create and live in a family, without it being substituted or confused by other forms or different institutions.”

Upon hearing this terrible news, I have no doubt that Canadians will be running out into the streets—copulating furiously to prevent extinction of the Canadian race. It will then be necessary to completely obliterate gay marriage, since half of all Canadians (or something) turned gay when it was legalized!

Now, bring on the theocracy! It’s our only hope!