Now that Alberta premier King Ralph has abdicated his throne, replacement hopefuls met in Red Deer this week to discuss serious issues affecting the lives of every Albertan…

Nah, I’m totally kidding—this is Alberta we’re talking about! Instead, they just threw a collective temper-tantrum over same-sex marriage.

“This is an issue that we do have to take a stand on,” bloviated ejected cabinet minister Lyle Olberg, “I don’t believe the battle is over.” Ted Morton went as far as to state that his focus as a provincial politician is “to protect the rights of people who want to speak out against gay marriage.” In fact, Gary McPherson, a relative unknown, was the only of the 8 candidates to support Canada’s federal law, saying that the Supreme Court has made its ruling and The Province of Alberta should respect it.

As for the rest of the debates… “I felt they were very, very vague tonight,” said one attendee. Another added: “I’d say [previous leadership debates] were a little livelier than this one. We’re not getting the totally different stands this time around.”

So there you go: An entire debate session whereupon the only thing the candidates could accomplish is emphasize that they’re just not very fond of the gays.

Sounds like Alberta Premier material to me!

• Alberta Tory leadership candidates split over gay marriage [Globe and Mail]
• Tories call for more debate at leadership forum [CBC News]

Well, I’m off enjoying Victoria Day today—the day where Canadians everywhere thank Queen Victoria for… whatever she did to give us a national holiday in her honour. In the meantime, though, I’ve prepared this special Victoria Day Update to let you, the astute reader, know what has been happening with some of those wacky stories I’ve been reporting on.

I assume it must be really hard to translate “gays deserve equal treatment” into legalese, because the Supreme Court’s decision on whether or not to give retroactive survivor’s benefits to same-sex couples has been delayed. I guess there’s no pressure for them to hurry up, though; the main claimant died in October waiting for a ruling.

Poor King Ralph and Ted Morton! Their beloved Bill 208—which would have allowed Alberta teachers to not only refuse to acknowledge the existence of same-sex marriage in Canada, but also force them to send out parental warnings before speaking a word on the subject—was effectively killed in parliament through brilliant opposition delay tactics. Now, I wonder if they’ll be able to effectively kill Ted and Ralphy’s temper tantrum?

Pinch me! Alberta’s conservative premier and super kook extraordinaire, Ralph Klein, has announced that he’ll abdicate his throne after receiving only 55% support in last week’s party leadership review. If this amazing bit of luck hadn’t happened so early in this site’s lifetime, Ralphy would have been a shoe-in as a regular on this site.

Now how can I even begin describing ol’ King Ralph? Since using the obscure notwithstanding clause in 2000 to make an otherwise unconstitutional ban on same-sex marriage legal in Alberta until 2005, Ralph Klein has:

• Pulled up to a homeless shelter after midnight, drunk beyond all get-out, and yelled at the homeless for not having jobs
• Threw a Liberal policy book at a 17-year old page in the Alberta legislature, but arrested and jailed a youth for throwing a pie at him
• Spearheaded the effort to bring in a national referendum on same-sex marriage
• Threatened to disallow marriage altogether in Alberta if same-sex marriage became federal law (it did; he didn’t)
• Said he’ll introduce legislation making it legal for civil marriage commissioners to deny filing paperwork for same-sex couples
• Justified all of this nonsense by stating “I have friends who are gays and friends who are lesbian and they’re wonderful people.” (Let’s not hold our breath waiting for me to say I have a friend who’s a wonderful premier…)

Oh, Ralph! I’m so sorry to see you go. You’d have been my most favourite regular ever!

• Crushing Blow for Ralph Klein [Canada.com]
• Ralph Klein: Alberta’s populist premier [CBC News In-Depth]
• Klein continues to turn up heat on same-sex issue [CBC News]