OK, kiddo! Here are all the fantastically amazing posts tagged with Stupid arguments

Pope Calls Gays A Threat To All Creation

January 13th, 2010

Pope Benedict, speaking to several diplomats in Vatican City last week, called gay men and women—and the laws that protect their human rights—a threat to no less than all of humankind.

“Creatures differ from one another,” he began, “and can be protected or endangered in different ways, as we know from daily experience. One such attack comes from laws or proposals which, in the name of fighting discrimination, strike at the biological basis of the difference between sexes. I am thinking,” he continued, “of certain countries in Europe or North and South America.”

Ooh, a guessing game! Which countries and laws could he be referring to, I wonder…

OK, the pope’s argument isn’t well veiled. It’s also a tired one. It basically says that since gay couples can’t biologically reproduce with each other, enough gay people will spell the death of all humankind. Except that, you know, it wouldn’t.

I’m not sure what species the pope thinks gay people are, but even if all future generations, by an astronomical coincidence, were born gay, their reproductive bits would still function perfectly well. Gay men, for example, can and do donate their swimmy things to lesbian women, making the most adorable little people in the process. And everyone involved in the process is gay. Neat, huh?

It’s a bit of a hassle, mind you, and I suppose it’s for that reason that we can be at least a little bit thankful that we gay people aren’t even close to, or anywhere near likely to become, the majority of humankind. So maybe the pope could focus a little more on some of the real threats to humanity, like, oh… say, nuclear weapons, genocide, etcetera, etcetera.

Gay Tourists Not Welcome At Vatican: Bishop

November 16th, 2009

It's basically just ancient gay porn.

Gays are not welcome at the Vatican—not even to visit. At least, that’s the word according to Bishop Janusz Kaleta, who spoke to the media at last month’s Assembly of United Nations World Tourism Organization.

Speaking to a reporter who clarified that gay tourists are travelling for personal visits and admiration, not political demonstrations, Bishop Kaleta had this to say:

I consider if someone is homosexual, it is a provocation and an abuse of this place. Try to go to a mosque if you are not Muslim. It is abuse of our buildings and our religion because the church interprets our religion that is not ethical. […] If you have different ideas, go to a different location.

I already visited the Vatican in 2003, and I might go back. (So there.) My strongest impression, next to the sheer extravagance of its palaces, was that the Vatican was the gayest place I have ever been in my life. And that’s no surprise; the Vatican’s most famous architect, Michelangelo, is well documented to have been gay. I guess this means his type just isn’t welcome any more. Oh, well. That place is probably reaching its threshold in homoerotic artwork anyway. I mean, overdoing it is just tacky, right?

(Hat tip goes to Bruce at Canuck Attitude for alerting me to the story.)

Tornado Punishment For Same-Sex Blessings: Preacher

August 24th, 2009

Look out!

Looks like there’s even more evidence that us gays control the weather! A Minnesota pastor has announced that a tornado which terrorized Minneapolis last week is the direct consequence of an effort to allow the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America to bless celibate, gay couples who vow to remain “chaste, monogamous, and lifelong.”

Pastor John Piper said that city’s downtown Lutheran church had its steeple damaged because “Jesus Christ controls the wind, including all tornadoes,” emphasizing that all destruction was a sign that the church needs to “turn from the promotion of behaviours that lead to destruction.

The church was amidst discussions to possibly bless and acknowledge gay parishioners, so long as they do nothing to express each other’s love physically. The measure passed on Thursday with exactly the two-thirds majority required, and not one vote more.

Now, you all better stay on my good side or—so help me—I’ll summon some moderately strong winds to topple over your patio furniture. Mark my words, you will be inconvenienced!

“Homosexual Friction Heat” Causes Swine Flu Susceptibility: Researcher

August 14th, 2009

Quack, quack, quack...

Masturbation and “homosexual activities” will significantly increase the body’s susceptibility to Swine Flu—at least according to Dr. V. M. Palaniappan, a Malaysian practitioner of complimentary therapy.

Dr. Palaniappan says that his 33 years of research shows that heat friction brought on by homosexual activities will turn the body “hyperacidised,” increasing opportunities of infection by H1N1, the virus causing Swine Flu. Palaniappan emphasised, however, that intercourse between opposite-sex partners was “absolutely safe,” presumably because heterosexual sex is less hot.

Hey, who am I to question science?

Now, if you didn’t get this news in time and are worried that your body has become hyperacidised with acidosity brought on by ultragayification, Dr. Palaniappan does have some advice. Drinking coconut water twice daily, he says, may help counteract the acidity caused by gay friction.

Thanks to all of the Slap readers who sent in this bit of ridiculousness!

Anti-Gay Lobbyist Loses Ridiculous Complaint

August 5th, 2009

Can this even be called martyrdom?

Kari Simpson, an anti-gay lobbyist, has lost her Human Rights Complaint against the B.C. Education Ministry, which she claimed had not done enough to help schoolchildren who “suffer from homosexuality and other dysfunctional sexual orientations.”

The amusingly dumb complaint argued that B.C. schools were actively denying students access to “sexual re-orientation therapies.”

No such students joined in on her class-action complaint.

The reparative conversion therapy that Kari refers to, incidentally, has been discredited and condemned by the entire professional medical community, denounced as being actively harmful to healthy development of individuals. Organisations that have gone on record to oppose the ineffective practise include The American Psychological Association, The American Academy of Pediatrics, The American Medical Association, The American Counselling Association, The American Psychiatric Association, among several others.

When I first wrote about Kari’s complaint in March, I said that she likely knew all of this and intended to lose her own complaint, setting herself up for a ridiculous form of martyrdom to a tiny, but obsessive audience of anti-gay activists. Sure enough, she wasted no time playing the victim card, announcing that the decision has laid “the groundwork for a case of systemic discrimination,” and that the Human Rights Commission “conveniently assisted” her to that effect.

Essentially, the complaint—in addition to wasting time and resources from people who have real human rights complaints to launch—was just a selfish attempt to leverage attention and spread the weak myth that gay people don’t exist; that they’re just dysfunctional straight people who need help escaping their sin.

It’s the same, failed strategy with these anti-gay lobbyists. Kari feels no need to stop and reflect on why no student covered by her class-action complaint enthusiastically joined the endeavour, because she knows that no such student exists. It’s all just pretend compassion, used for selfish, political ends.

Greece Annuls Same-Sex “Humanoid” Marriages

May 6th, 2009

DOES NOT COMPUTE! DOES NOT COMPUTE!

The Greek courts have annulled the country’s only two same-sex marriages after hysterical opposition from the government and religious organisations.

Two Greek couples married early last summer after discovering that there was no limitation of gender in the country’s marriage laws. Almost immediately, the government sought to render the marriages invalid, filing a lawsuit with the support of the Orthodox Church of Greece.

An unnamed, high-ranking Bishop was especially dismissive of the marriages, announcing that the marriages had to be annulled because the couples involved were merely “humanoid couples.” That, I gather, is opposed to the traditional, non-humanoid couple: One squid, one pterodactyl.

Former Top Judge Pooh-Poohs Polygamist’s Gay Argument

March 27th, 2009

Does anyone else know some numbers that are not two?

Claire L’Heureux-Dube, a former Supreme Court judge, has predicted that the courts will toss out any arguments linking same-sex marriage to a polygamist sect in Canada.

Two men currently facing charges related to a religious cult in Bountiful, British Columbia have already indicated that they will invoke gay marriage as an argument defending their dozens of wives.

“It is contrary to the equality of the sexes,” L’Heureux-Dube said to the press, noting that in the United States these men would be charged with sexual exploitation rather than simply having multiple spouses. Indeed, the polygamy charges in Bountiful appear to be a blanket charge for greater accusations of incest and exploitation.

So where do the gays come in all of this? Beats me! I’ve only heard the argument from those wacky anti-gay lobbyists, not the actual connection.

Anti-Gay Human Rights Complaint Is A Dud

March 20th, 2009

Aaabooga booga booga booga booga!

Kari Simpson, an anti-gay activist, has filed a complaint against the B.C. Education Ministry for not doing enough to help students who “suffer from homosexuality and other dysfunctional sexual orientations.”

The bizarre complaint goes on to allege that schools simply aren’t turning enough gay students straight. As Simpson puts it:

Sexual re-orientation therapies have helped thousands of individuals recover from such dysfunctional orientations. School counsellors are being denied the tools to be effective advocates for students in need of sexual re-orientation help and they should have access to resources and training that will equip them to properly counsel students.

Gee, that’s just awful. Think of all those thousands of poor, suffering gays that were denied their right to re-orientation by that callous school board.

Odd, though, don’t you think, that this human rights complaint had to be filed by a Christian activist instead of just one of those thousands of suffering students who were denied a gay cure. (Though, frankly, the only suffering I’ve ever endured as a gay person is from people like Kari.)

See, what Kari already knows—but chooses to ignore—is that all peer-reviewed research into reparative conversion therapy for gays has not only shown that it’s completely ineffective, but that it’s demonstrably harmful to one’s well-being. That’s why every respected medical and professional organisation has gone on record to condemn the very idea, including The American Psychological Association, The American Academy of Pediatrics, The American Medical Association, The American Counselling Association, The American Psychiatric Association, etc., etc., ad nauseam.

If I had to take a gander at it—which I don’t, but it’ll be fun—I’d say that Kari is filing the human rights complaint for two reasons. First, the Human Rights Commission has a history of protecting the rights of gays, and a small subset of religious activists feel it’s at their expense. By launching a destined-to-fail complaint she is setting herself up for some kind of hilarious martyrdom for a tiny, but delightfully obsessed group of nuts, which she can then use to further criticize the commission. Second, she gets a venue in which she can repeat the myth that there’s really no such thing as gay people to begin with: just straight people who need help escaping their sin.

Disingenuous compassion has been a failing strategy for these activists for years. This time won’t be any different. It’s just too bad that she has to waste valuable time from the people who have real human rights violations to report.

Run! Gay Statistics Predict National Collapse

March 11th, 2009

The Happy Squirrel!

Troubled economic times have a lot of people predicting doom and gloom, but one of Russia’s most influential scholars has employed an unusual methodology for some rather specific future events.

In a lecture to an invited selection of international media representatives, Igor Panarin, Dean of a diplomat school for Russia’s Foreign Ministry, predicted that the United States will be fractured into six rump states (with Alaska falling to Russian rule) by 2010. Panarin’s prediction and timeline are based on what he said was a natural progression from observed “social and cultural phenomena.” Specifically: School shootings, a growing prison population, and the number of gay men.

What terrible news, but it all falls into place! My gay friends across the border are a clear sign that Barack Obama will soon declare martial law, thrusting the nation into chaos before toppling its own government and entering an era of terrifying anarchy. A semblance of order will occur only after rogue leaders self-assemble into six autonomous states, of which only conservative Alaska will escape by embracing Russian rule.

Oh, horrible fate! And all within the next nine months. How ever shall my stateside friends manage? Courage, friends. Courage!

Robosexuals Crush, Kill, Destroy Traditional Marriage

March 6th, 2009

while(true) { this.loves( you ); }

Despite a growing number of countries demonstrating that gay marriage does not destroy society and all of life as we know it, some very special types of people remain in hysterical panic, as this gem from North Carolina demonstrates.

Speaking to an anti- gay marriage crowd, David Gibbs—the lawyer best known for his fight to keep the brain-dead Terri Schiavo on life support—hypothesized about a post- gay marriage future:

[Same-sex marriage] will open the door to unusual marriage in North Carolina. Why not polygamy, or three or four spouses? Maybe people will want to marry their pets or robots.

Their robots! It all fits into place! Why, just today I caught my robot looking at me with a distinctly amorous gaze.

Why? Why did I order a robot that can love?

And a huge tip o’ the hat goes to JJ at Unrepentant Old Hippie for a story that I just couldn’t resist.

Polygamous Sect Uses Gay Marriage In Defense

January 23rd, 2009

Gee, what happened to all those people defending religious freedom?

The leaders of a religious, polygamous sect in Bountiful, British Columbia will use same-sex marriage as a court defense in a trial that could see them jailed for having up to 20 wives. Winston Blackmore and James Oler will claim that since gay couples can wed legally, polygamy laws should be struck down as invalid.

Anti-gay groups are already somersaulting on the “I told you so” trampoline, blaming the gays for this whole situation. (I think they’ve also got a “dog marriage” cartwheel mat, “incestuous marriage” trapeze ropes, and other acrobatic devices for each claim in their Hall of Ridiculous Arguments™.)

A pet peeve of mine involves the idea that legalizing same-sex marriage somehow  changed the definition of marriage and therefore makes gays responsible for this whole polygamous marriage discussion. Scoff.

The rights and legalities of marriage have remained identical after same-sex marriage. I’m betting the story with polygamy would be a tad different, as virtually every law involving cohabitation would likely have to change. Joint tax returns, pension transfer, guardian rights, maternity/paternity rights, GST rebates, family allowance, employment insurance… I’m no lawyer, but it would be a massive, exhaustive update. Same-sex couples have demanded nothing of the sort, and polygamous sects have been pushing for all this long before same-sex marriage was ever up for discussion.

Still, ignoring the fact that the polygamy lawsuit is just an ostensible charge for larger allegations of abuse, lack of consent, and sexual relations with minors, the main difference between this situation and the one that brought about same-sex marriage is simple. People do not choose their sexual orientation, but they can absolutely choose their crazy religious sect.

Wait—I thought of another! “Paedophilic marriage” uneven bars.