Dr. Flamingo Jones And The Lost Kingdom Of The Coral Sea Islands
I’m exceptionally pleased to present today’s Guest Slap. The author, Dr. Flamingo Jones, is a world-renowned archaeologist and researcher at the University of Oxbridgeshire. While I know little about his reclusive past and current whereabouts, he has kindly agreed to share with us, occasionally, his knowledge, discoveries, and insights.
Good day to you, ladies, gentlemen, and those who do not wish to confine yourselves to such limiting terminology. It is with great pleasure that, today, in my guest post, I will be presenting to you my discovery of a lost civilization!
First, let me introduce myself for those of you unfamiliar to my work. I, Dr. Flamingo Jones, intrepid explorer and researcher extraordinaire, am the head of the Department of Queer Archaeology at the University of Oxbridgeshire. You may have heard of me from my groundbreaking paper on the discovery of a cache of phalli that had been chiseled off the nude male statues in the Vatican by order of the pope back in the 14th or 15th century.
To get right to the point, I recently stumbled across scarce but conclusive evidence of a civilization composed exclusively of homosexuals! Although homosexuality has been existent in one form or another in every human society, this nation, known as the Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands is the first one discovered in which all members were exclusively homosexual.
This unique realm was not found through usual methods such as carbon dating wooden tools, metallurgical inspection of coinage, or genetic analysis of indigenous peoples. No, this unique civilization was found through… their Myspace page.
You see, the Gay & Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands (GLK) was established in modern times (on June 14, 2004, to be precise) as a protest by a group of gay activists who were upset with the Australian parliament’s 2004 revision of the Marriage Act to officially ban same-sex marriages. A pioneer by the name of Dale Parker Anderson and a group of followers sailed out (their ship was named The Gayflower) to the chain of uninhabited islands off the coast of Australia and annexed the area for themselves, proclaiming Emperor Dale I as their ruler. Their main exports are fishing, tourism, and postage stamps. They don’t seem to have gotten around to actually building settlements on the islands yet, but Rome wasn’t built in a day… or 4 years.
The population of the GLK has to be commended on taking every possible legal action defend their sovereignty. Here are just a few of the bases they have covered:
- There is an archaic British (and hence Australian) law of Unjust Enrichment, which states that if something is unjustly taken away, compensation must be made. As their right to marry was taken away, the GLK argue that the land they have ceded is their just compensation.
- A Kingdom, not a Republic, was chosen because the GLK website claims that Australia has another archaic law stating “A defacto Prince trying to claim his crown and his supporters can not be charged with treason.”
- The GLK declared a state of war against Australia for a period of about one week in 2004. There were no hostilities, but since the Australian government was notified through all the proper diplomatic channels and didn’t defend their claim to the islands, the GLK states that Australia effectively lost any rights to that territory.
- Emperor Dale I has genetics on his side to help him bolster his royal legitimacy. First, he claims to be of royal blood, as he is a descendant of England’s King Edward II (who was also gay, but did produce heirs). Secondly, Dale I’s great grandfather was one of the sailors loyal to Captain William Bligh of the HMAV Bounty (the story of the Mutiny on the Bounty). When Bligh and his loyal men were left for dead by the mutineers, guess where they were abandoned? Why, the Coral Reef Islands, of course. As a descendant of British (and Australian) royalty, and a descendant of the first and only humans to ever settle on the islands, I’d say he actually has a credible case.
Emperor Dale I seems to have started a trend, as there are actually several other self-proclaimed gay nations out there as well, such as the Gay Homeland Foundation established in 2005 in Cologne, Germany, and two American groups: The Unified Gay Tribe, and the Gay and Lesbian Commonwealth Kingdom.
While none of the above countries is actually recognized by the United Nations, The Gay & Lesbian Kingdom of the Coral Sea Islands has a Wikipedia entry, which makes it legitimate. In fact, I think it’s time for an expedition there! Wish me luck, loyal fans, as I brave the fury of the dingoes! I’ll bring you back some t-shirts or stamps or fish.