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Brazil Ponders Heterosexual Pride Parade
The city of São Paulo approved legislation last week that would bring a heterosexual pride day to the city, if the Mayor approves it. Carlos Apolinario, the bill’s sponsor, said the legislation was “not anti-gay,” but rather “a protest against the privileges the gay community enjoys.”
“I have no trouble coexisting with gays as long as their behavior is normal,” Apolinario told the press.
That’s OK, I don’t have a problem with heterosexuals—so long as they act gay in public.
At any rate, this interesting development in the world of straight pride parades reminded me of a story I wrote last year for Outlooks Magazine. Since it was never published on this site, you can read it for the first time in digital form after the jump.
Enjoy!
On Heterosexual Pride
(Originally published in the June 2010 edition of Outlooks Magazine.)
“If you perverts want to be treated as equals, stop ramming your perverse lifestyle in our faces!” Those were the words that greeted me in my email inbox this morning. Being the slightly introspective type, I did a quick mental review of my actions from the previous night. Had I kidnapped anyone and strapped them to a chair facing a slideshow of all my illustrations, eyelids forcibly held apart à la Clockwork Orange? I took a sip of tea. No, I doubt I would forget something like that.
Indeed, this anonymous emailer had simply blasted off some typical, unsolicited, anti-gay criticis—ramming it in my face, if you will—after visiting my website voluntarily and staying long enough to become angry for some reason. His final words almost helped me narrow down which of my articles he might be referring to: “Straights don’t have parades to celebrate their straightness,” he observed. “You do harm to yourselves when you say ‘we’re just like straights… we’re equals, but look at us dressed half naked and prancing around in the streets.’”
It was actually kind of timely, for hate mail. Summer marks Pride celebrations worldwide. It’s lovely: Bears come out of hibernation, gays everywhere reclaim their local gyms, and cities across the world get a whole lot more colourful. No longer just a parade, Pride festivals are now massive, weeklong cultural celebrations, generating significant tourism dollars. Pride Toronto alone brings in an estimated $100 million annually in taxed, tourist spending. Assuming my anonymous critic is a Conservative supporter (and they usually are), you’d think he’d at least be a little happy about all this commercial revenue.
In 2009, the Conservative government announced that they had allocated $400,000 of federal money to Toronto Pride in order to make the festival events more accessible to disabled persons. It was both a surprising and welcome gesture, but short-lived. The Tories, somehow angered by their own funding announcement, suddenly removed the minister responsible for the funding from her duties. Shortly after, Montréal’s Divers/Cité was denied their expected funding weeks before it was set to begin, as was the city’s Black and Blue event. The new policy continued this year as well; organizers of Pride Toronto were shocked when they learned—through the media—that their requested funds had been denied by the Tories. (If you’re a fan of Burlington’s annual Ribfest, though, don’t fret. $98,610 in federal dollars is still coming your way.)
Since Pride festivals enrich Canada’s culture and generate significant tourism, these funding cuts probably aren’t from any sound fiscal planning, but are more likely done at the request of a loud minority of Canadians who, like my anonymous emailer, feign some kind of profound personal violation from any celebration of gay culture. To them, our entire lives amount to perversion and our festivals are nothing more than ramming sexuality into faces. They’re also the ones who repeatedly remind us that there are no such thing as straight pride parades and that, since we somehow aspire to be just like them, we shouldn’t have gay ones.
To their credit, they’re right about one thing: There are no straight pride parades—at least, not on any serious scale. It would be silly if there were. What would the symbol of pride mean to the straight community, if it’s even cohesive enough to be called that? No one is trying to dismiss straight relationships as being unworthy of marriage. No one is opposing the legal rights of straights. No one is reducing the “straight lifestyle”—and all expressions of it, such as holding hands in public—as flaunting sexuality. With no one wagging their fingers to make straights feel ashamed, there’s no need to counter it with pride.
And that’s probably for the best. Considering how badly all those who lament about not having straight pride parades mischaracterize gay ones, I doubt very much that I would enjoy what they have in mind. It would probably conclude with a live birth.
Gay Man’s Bank Card Cancelled Because Of His Voice
A gay man found that his bank card was cancelled last week for a very unusual reason: His voice has a higher than normal pitch.
Jeffrey Hare phoned TD Bank to get some information about his bank account when the agent on the other end decided that he was an impostor.
“This [agent] decided that I was a woman and didn’t ask any questions and cancelled everything on me,” Mr. Hare told Xtra. “There was no way for me to say, ‘Wait a minute, this is my voice; I am genetically a man and this is what my voice sounds like.’”
Banks normally have security questions to verify identity over the phone, so it’s pretty strange that agents would rely simply on the sound of someone’s voice. I imagine that trans people experience this kind of thing a lot, too.
The bank, thankfully, has since apologised for the “bad service.”
NDP Resolves To Revoke Ex-Gay Charitable Status
I’ve got some particularly cool news today!
The federal New Democratic Party, Canada’s official opposition, unanimously adopted a resolution over the weekend to revoke the charitable status of unscientific “ex-gay” organisations, including Exodus Global Alliance.
The resolution, which was presented and adopted the NDP’s 2011 policy convention in Vancouver, should be welcome news to anyone, but it’ll be music to the ears of most Slap readers. The resolution’s introductory speech, prepared and delivered by Matthew McLaughlin, the party’s outgoing LGBT co-chair, explains it nicely.
He begins:
Delegates, an investigation published in September 2010 by [the] LGBT news blog Slap Upside The Head revealed that Exodus Global Alliance, an ex-gay organisation, enjoys registered charity status with the Canada Revenue Agency. Ex-gay organisations claim that gay, lesbian, and bisexual people can be made straight. They take advantage of LGB people, often in vulnerable family situations or at grips with depression and self-hatred, and browbeat them—saying that LGB people never live happy lives, that we are unhealthy and unwhole, and that we never experience love and that the only hope lies in their therapies. […] We see that they are selling snake oil with benefits given to them by the Canada Revenue Agency at present.
Indeed, a plea to take action against Canada’s phony ex-gay charities has been a recurring theme on this site ever since I heard about New Zealand’s rejection of Exodus’ charitable status; I discovered that not only had Canada granted it, but that Exodus has been enjoying registered charity status in this country for years.
Ex-gay organisations, like Exodus, abuse already troubled gay people, often for political means, telling them that being gay is inherently dangerous and can be “overcome,” like addiction. The idea that sexual orientation is changeable, however, is rejected completely by every professional medical, psychological, and psychiatric organisation without dissent. This includes the American Psychological Association, the American Psychiatric Association, the American Medical Association, and many more. In fact, they’ve all gone on record to state that ex-gay therapy—attempts to change sexual orientation from gay to straight—is psychologically harmful and should never be practiced. This well-studied conclusion, based on mountains of evidence, is also supported by simple common sense. Ex-gay organisations simply teach gay people that their inherent traits are evil, scolding their “patients” for not being able to overcome it, resulting in serious psychological harm that often leads to depression or worse. Organisations that ex-gay advocates trot out as dissenting opinion are usually religiously-funded organisations with either explicit or guarded political ties.
Luckily, people have caught on to this important issue. hundreds of letters have been sent to the Canada Revenue Agency, emails have been delivered to MPs across the country, and a petition has been launched to help add a visible metric to this important issue—all in hopes that things would change.
And the NDP has heard us—in a big way.
Applause broke out during Matthew McLaughlin’s speech when he mentioned that New Zealand had rejected Exodus’ charitable status; the NDP’s new LGBT deputy critic and sitting MP, Dany Morin, stood and urged all delegates for their support; finally, Kaitlin Burnett, a member of the party’s LGBT caucus, spoke passionately in favour of the resolution, which passed unanimously to great applause. Everyone who worked hard to bring this resolution forward within the party deserves a great deal of thanks.
But we’re not done yet!
If the CRA doesn’t adhere to their own policies and pull Exodus’ charitable status immediately (and there hasn’t been any word that this is happening), legislation will need to be introduced. The NDP is clearly willing to make this happen, but they need to hear from you. Let them—and all other MPs that would have to vote on possible legislation—know that this is a priority for you. If you haven’t already signed the petition, or written a letter to the CRA and your MP, please do! It’s more important than ever right now.
Something’s definitely happening here, thanks to all of you. Let’s keep it up!
Gays To Blame For Roman Collapse: Historian
As many of you know, we gays possess supernatural powers capable of untold terrors. Religious ambassadors have identified gay people as the source of everything from mass bird deaths to Earthquakes (and even more mundane things like the widespread implementation of airport security patdowns). Until now, though, I don’t think we’ve ever been blamed for the collapse of world empires.
But, lo!
Professor Roberto De Mattei, the head of Italy’s National Research Council, declared last week that the “abhorrent presence of a few gays infected a good part of the Roman people,” introducing a “contagion of homosexuality and effeminacy” that made the empire susceptible to attack from hordes of manly, barbarian invaders.
Yes, it appears the culture that brought us gladiators and near world domination was defeated by the “presence of a few gays.” Clearly, our powers are doubling by the minute! With these capabilities as leverage, perhaps we ought to start making better demands than just equal treatment in law and to be left alone from discrimination?
Apple Pulls Exodus’ iPhone App, But They’re Still A Registered Charity in Canada
Exodus International, an “ex-gay” organisation that subscribes to the rejected notion that being gay is a disorder that can be cured through therapy, has released a “Gay Cure” iPhone app.
The application availability didn’t last long, though, after an online petition gathered over 150,000 signatures and caught the attention of Apple, who decided the application did not follow their content guidelines.
Yep, there’s no longer an app for that!
That’s pretty nifty, but there’s something about Exodus that I think needed even more attention than an iPhone application…
Exodus is a registered charity in Canada , enjoying numerous tax benefits for promoting their unscientific and dangerous therapies for “curing” gay people. I started a letter writing campaign back in September to help bring this to the attention of the Canada Revenue Agency, but they’ve stayed silent on the matter for months. That’s no good.
To get the CRA’s attention, there’s a brand new petition on the Slap Into Action Page with—as of right now—zero signatures. Let’s bring that number up!
If 150,000 people were outraged about the Exodus iPhone app, how many do you think will be upset that Exodus is posing as a charity, reaping tax benefits, and accepting tax-deductable donations from the public? The answer to that question is up to you! Tell your friends to sign the petition, and then get them to to tell their friends. Let’s demand more than silence from the Canada Revenue Agency!
Florist Refuses Flowers To Lesbian Couple
A New Brunswick florist is refusing to provide flowers to a couple on their wedding day because they’re lesbians.
Kim Evans, owner of the Petals and Promises, wrote a letter to the couple declaring that she would, under no circumstances, sell them flowers. “As a born-again Christian,” she wrote, “I must respect my conscience before God and have no part in this matter.”
So, God forbids selling commercial products to gay people now?
Well, I guess everyone’s free to horribly misinterpret their religion—except it’s illegal in New Brunswick to deny business to anyone based on their race, religion, or sexual orientation. And that’s just as it should be, otherwise society can just go back to putting up “no coloreds,” “no Jews,” and “no pansies” signs in their windows. (Well, unless a shop happens to be sold out of pansies.)
The couple’s wedding planner, Mario Bourgeois Leduc, has brought Ms. Evan’s behaviour to the attention of the media because he was particularly disturbed by the incident. “Even though people think discrimination and homophobia is almost nill, that is not the reality,” he told QMI agency yesterday. “That negativity is there from Day One if you’re a same-sex couple planning the most important day of your life.”
Indeed, gay people put up with a lot more nonsense than most people realize. Under no circumstances should anyone be afraid of being denied public services—be they flowers, an apartment, lodging, or anything else—simply because of who they are. Yet it remains a real fear for gay people.
So, to Ms. Evans:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
You’re a douche
A giant douche.
Have a great weekend, kids!
Thanks to everyone who sent me this story!
Texas School Blocks GSA By Turfing All School Clubs
Flour Bluff Intermediate School—a high school in Corpus Christi, Texas—has shut down all its extracurricular clubs after a student requested the formation of a Gay-Straight Alliance, a peer support group that encourages tolerance and anti-bullying initiatives.
The insane move, which has effectively terminated otherwise unrelated clubs such as the Fellowship of Christian Athletes, was taken by the school administration as a means of banning GSAs without penalty from the Equal Access Act, which would have required the school to provide equal opportunities for student-run clubs, “regardless of their religious, political, and philosophical leanings.”
Well, I guess banning all extracurricular clubs is one way to ensure equality, Texas style!
Magazine Featuring Gay Family Covered With “Family Shield”
Harps, a small grocery chain in the southern United States, issued an online apology this week after using a “family shield” to cover up copies of Us Weekly featuring a photo of Elton John, his husband David Furnish, and their newly adopted baby.
The shield, a piece of opaque plastic about the size of a magazine cover, is labeled with the words: “Family Shield: To protect young Harps shoppers.”
To protect them from… photos of families? Well, I can’t say they didn’t name it appropriately.
Still, what a marvelously stupid concept! It gives me an idea.
Ministry Blames Gays For Mysterious Bird Deaths
As some of you may have heard, around two thousand blackbirds have died mysteriously, literally falling from the sky in Arkansas. Although dubbed the Aflockalypse by the fear-loving media, scientists are reassuring people that mass bird deaths (which sound more impressive than they are, considering a single roost can contain several million birds) are actually fairly normal, caused by any number of mundane reasons.
Scientists’ explanations aren’t enough for everyone, though. There are people like Cindy Jacobs of the Generals International Ministry who have an entirely different explanation.
“According to biblical principles,” Cindy announced in an online video, “marriage is between a man and a woman, so we have to say ‘what happens when a nation makes a decision that’s against God’s principles?’”
Yes, this is going exactly where it sounds like it’s going.
The reason that two thousand blackbirds “just fell out of the air,” according to Jacobs, is a combination of the United States’ increasing acceptance of equal marriage rights and the recent repeal of the military’s discriminatory Don’t Ask,Don’t Tell policy. But don’t take my word for it. Let her explain it herself.
Yeah, I know.
Anyway, Cindy may have discovered our little secret—but know this, Cin-dee Jay-Kobs! Our bird killing powers can be used for more than just blackbirds! Soon, we will move on to pigeons! Then emus! And so on in that fashion… So if you don’t deliver a box of ten assorted Timbitsâ„¢ to my doorstep before sundown, you will feel the wrath of our Gay Aflockalypse!
Extremists Attack Gay Film Festival
The Q! Film Festival, a GLBT festival showcasing being hosted in Jakarta, has been attacked by members of an extremist group calling themselves the Islamic Defender Front.
So far, several masked protesters have forced the cancellation of a handful of films, and have threatened to burn down venues unless the festival is shut down completely.
This is the ninth year that the Q! Film Festival has been held, but the first that generated any significant controversy. In a brave stand, the festival planners are undeterred, saying the entire point of the festival is to promote both religious and gender tolerance. “If there are parties who disagree with the ideas behind the festival,” organisers wrote in a public letter, “we urge them to state their opinions through a discussion forum or by holding a forum like a festival or something similar that allows for the exchange of ideas without fear or coercion.”
Very well put. After all, like I wrote on the Slap Facebook page, if burning down cinemas were an appropriate response to objectionable films, I don’t think the industry would exist post-_Glitter_.
“Curing” Gays Isn’t Charity
New Zealand has tossed a purely anti-gay organization to the curb after it had applied for charitable status in the country.
Exodus Global Alliance, an U.S.-based religious organisation whose goal is to keep alive the myth that gay people can be cured through reparative therapy and prayer, was seeking tax benefits through charitable status before it was soundly rejected. The commission reviewing the application was thorough in their justification, noting that since homosexuality was not a recognized mental disorder, it did not need curing. While the commission cited the American Psychological Association in their decision, they could have just as easily added the American Medical Association, the American Academy of Pediatrics, the American Counselling Association, the American Psychiatric Association, and several other well-respected organisations who have all gone on record to say that sexual orientation not only isn’t a disorder, and not only can’t be changed, but that all attempts to treat homosexuality as a disorder can cause significant psychological harm.
Knowing this, Exodus has been very careful recently when advertising its claims. A careful observer will note that they don’t even define what they mean when they say homosexuals can “change” (normally this amounts to promoting lifelong chastity). Still, that doesn’t stop countless people from trying their methods, fed by the bizarre claim that there are tens of thousands of “ex-gays” out there.
In reality, Exodus is doing demonstrable, but incalculable, harm to people everywhere. The ministries’ success stories amount, essentially, to brainwashing. A large number of participants end up confused and depressed after being taught to hate their natural sexual orientation. It’s not a surprise therefore that the group’s failures are spectacular. Michael Bussee and Gary Cooper, two of Exodus’ co-founders, quit the group shortly after they formed it and married each other in a commitment ceremony. In 2007, two other former Exodus leaders joined Bussee and issued an apology for their role in the organisation, saying that they are all openly gay. Just this year, Bussee confessed that he had never seen one Exodus member actually change their sexual orientation.
Given all this, it’s expected that New Zealand would have rejected the application for charitable status, but it’s not a surprise that Exodus was seeking it. Exodus is primarily a religious organisation with a strong political goal that relies on the worldwide spread of their myth. Anti-gay lobby groups use the existence of organisations like Exodus to promote the notion that there is no such thing as gay people—only straight people who are caught in sin. And with no such thing as a real gay person, there’s no need for equal rights such as marriage, employment and housing protections, and so forth.
Good for New Zealand for siding with the medical community and seeing through all of Exodus’ nonsense. It’s too bad Canada isn’t as wise in this respect. Exodus Global Alliance is, sadly, a registered charity in Canada.
Super hat tip goes to Arthur at AmeriNZ for the story!
Woman Sues Church For Holding Same-Sex Ceremony
Here’s a bit of oddness. Yvonne Moore, a southern Baptist in Washington, D.C. sued her church for performing a same-sex union ceremony back in 2007.
Moore, who is clearly not down with gay rights, attended the ceremony for some reason, found it “totally disgusting,” and then sought $250,000 in compensation—the amount she estimated she had donated to the church over her 40 years as a parishioner. She later dropped the lawsuit after talking to her pastor (and presumably her lawyer).
While the whole thing is pretty amusing in its sheer craziness, it does a pretty good job at illustrating how fearful and misinformed some people are about gay relationships; to actually turn her back on her parish of 40 years and file the paperwork to sue it for $250,000 shows an irrational and deeply emotional reaction to what’s ultimately not a very big deal. After all, this ceremony had nothing to do with Ms. Moore in the first place, but years of casual—and societally supported—homophobia results in exactly these sorts of actions. Unless people stand up to casual homophobia, otherwise kind people are capable of astonishingly crass bigotry.
Religious Freedom Doesn’t Give You That Power
Will Goertzen, a landlord in Yellowknife, signed a one-year apartment lease for a young gay couple last year. Three weeks before the couple was set to move in, Goertzen discovered they were gay. He re-listed the property without notifying the couple, rented it to a different family, stole the couple’s $1,150 damage deposit, and left them for homeless.
Scott Robertson and Richard Anthony had to stay with various friends and keep all of their belongings scattered about different locations until they secured a new apartment. They got their damage deposit back only after taking Goertzen to rental court. Now the case is before the Northwest Territories Human Rights Commission.
Astonishingly, Goertzen is outright admitting that he denied housing, stole the damage deposit, and left the couple homeless because they were gay, saying that he recognizes the “supremacy of God over the Charter or Rights and Freedoms.” “[Homosexuality] isn’t natural and it’s a crime against nature,” Goertzen told an adjudicator at a human rights commission last week, “I can definitely not have a part in it.”
Religious freedoms exist in Canada, but all that means is that the government cannot dictate which deity or deities you are allowed to worship; it does not—and has never—granted the power to circumvent Canada’s laws or our Charter of Rights and Freedoms (Both of which, indeed, explicitly forbid housing discrimination based on sexual orientation).
I’m not surprised some people are under a different impression, mind you. Saskatchewan has proposed a law that lets civil marriage commissioners refuse their public services for gay couples, and Alberta has just enacted a law that forces teachers to halt any discussions of sexual orientation until they receive parental permission from each parent, lest it offend their personal religious beliefs. Religious freedom is fast becoming a convenient carte blanche; a way to eschew personal responsibility, ignore or erase the rights of gay people, and nullify Canada’s guarantees of equality. Goertzen’s despicable behaviour is just a natural extension of this.
It’s time for mainstream religious people who realize that what Goertzen has done is wrong both in the legal and moral sense to stand up and say this is not acceptable.
Or, if this whole thing turns out differently, I could just start a religion of my own…
(Huge hat tip goes to Jason over at The Gay White North for the story.)
U.S. Senator Warns Of Man-Horse Marriage
J.D. Hayworth, Senator John McCain’s primary challenger in the United State’s upcoming senate elections, is trying to ban same-sex marriage nationwide. Rather than offering any reasons why gay marriage is bad (they are awfully hard to come by, after all), he had this explanation:
You see, the Massachusetts Supreme Court, when it started this move toward same-sex marriage, actually defined marriage—now get this—it defined marriage as simply “the establishment of intimacy.” […] I guess that would mean if you really had affection for your horse, I guess you could marry your horse. It’s just the wrong way to go, and the only way to protect the institution of marriage is with that federal marriage amendment that I support.
Quirky!
Hayworth is essentially declaring that if marriage is all about love, then it is impossible to legally deny marrying other “lovable” things—like horses.
The problem here—as if such an argument deserves any dissection—is that marriages aren’t one-way; they involve two people that love each other. Does a horse have the capacity to consent to such a partnership? Can it sign the necessary state documents? Can it uphold its legal responsibilities involving property, decision-making, taxes, etcetera?
The answer, of course, is neigh.
And with that, have a great Wednesday, kids!
Customs Seizes Gay Festival Films
Ottawa’s Inside Out Film festival had to make some urgent, last minute arrangements after the Canadian Border Services Agency seized three films scheduled to be presented. The seized films include Patrik 1.5 (Rated PG), Clapham Junction (Rated R), and I Can’t Think Straight (Rated PG-13).
All three films had already been shown in Canada. Patrik 1.5 debuted at the Toronto International Film Festival in 2008 and I Can’t Think Straight was a mainstream theatrical release over the summer.
Canadian customs regularly seizes materials it suspects to be obscene, and often classifies gay films, books, and artwork as such. In 2000, the Supreme Court of Canada ruled that the CBSA was unfairly targeting GLBT content and ordered it to stop its discriminatory policies.
The CBSA is still permitted to seize materials randomly, something that the film festival’s director, Jason St-Laurent, doubts is the case here: “It seems biased at some times, and at other rimes random, but to me, this time, it is not a random event.” Brice Dellsperger, a filmmaker featured at the festival agrees: “It happens all the time; it’s something that we constantly face.”
Well, that settles it. Slap Upside The Head: The Movie will be distributed digitally!
Gay Tourists Not Welcome At Vatican: Bishop
Gays are not welcome at the Vatican—not even to visit. At least, that’s the word according to Bishop Janusz Kaleta, who spoke to the media at last month’s Assembly of United Nations World Tourism Organization.
Speaking to a reporter who clarified that gay tourists are travelling for personal visits and admiration, not political demonstrations, Bishop Kaleta had this to say:
I consider if someone is homosexual, it is a provocation and an abuse of this place. Try to go to a mosque if you are not Muslim. It is abuse of our buildings and our religion because the church interprets our religion that is not ethical. […] If you have different ideas, go to a different location.
I already visited the Vatican in 2003, and I might go back. (So there.) My strongest impression, next to the sheer extravagance of its palaces, was that the Vatican was the gayest place I have ever been in my life. And that’s no surprise; the Vatican’s most famous architect, Michelangelo, is well documented to have been gay. I guess this means his type just isn’t welcome any more. Oh, well. That place is probably reaching its threshold in homoerotic artwork anyway. I mean, overdoing it is just tacky, right?
(Hat tip goes to Bruce at Canuck Attitude for alerting me to the story.)
High School Still Dangerous For Gay Teens
A professor researching harassment of gay teens is calling high school “the land that time forgot,” a place where aggressive anti-gay sentiment pervades student life.
Catherine Taylor, a professor of education and communications at the University of Winnipeg, regrets to have discovered that virtually all gay teens are verbally harassed, with a startling number even being physically abused. Worse, homophobia so ingrained in school culture that very few students step up to condemn the abuse.
This is the same study, incidentally, that was forbidden from being conducted inside several Catholic school boards in Canada. The study is currently in its second phase, and is seeking funding for its third and final phase to take place early next year.
Skate Canada, the governing body for figure skating in Canada, is trying to re-imagine the sport in an attempt to increase spectatorship for Vancouver’s 2010 Winter Olympics. Their approach: Get rid of the gay. (Or, to put it in their words, inject some “masculinity” to draw in the “hockey crowd.”)
Elvis Stojko, the Canadian gold medal figure skating champion, is feeling rather smug about the suggestion, communicating a firm “I told you so” to Skate Canada:
Skate Canada is saying “we want to make men’s figure skating more macho, we want to make it more masculine.” And I’m like, “I told you guys that, like 15 years ago, and you guys hammered me for it.” And now they’re paying for it.
If you’re very lyrical and you’re really feminine and soft, well, that’s not men’s skating. That is not men’s skating, OK? Men’s skating is power, strength, masculinity, focus, clarity of movement, interpretation of music.
So, basically, femininity is bad. Men behaving artistically? Pfft! Leave that to the women. For men, it’s gotta be more like hockey! Where’s the tripping? The fights? The shattered teeth shards sliding across drops of frozen blood?
Oh! They should totally add some explosions. Kaboom! And maybe have everyone come out in teams and blast paintball cannons at each other. The first to triple salchow over their injured, bloodied competitor wins—then BAM! Medicine ball to the back of the neck!
Skate Canada can practically taste the ratings now…
And all they had to do is give everyone who’s secure and respectful enough to appreciate the beauty and art of figure skating—regardless of the athlete’s gender—a massive slap in the face.
Run! Gay Statistics Predict National Collapse
Troubled economic times have a lot of people predicting doom and gloom, but one of Russia’s most influential scholars has employed an unusual methodology for some rather specific future events.
In a lecture to an invited selection of international media representatives, Igor Panarin, Dean of a diplomat school for Russia’s Foreign Ministry, predicted that the United States will be fractured into six rump states (with Alaska falling to Russian rule) by 2010. Panarin’s prediction and timeline are based on what he said was a natural progression from observed “social and cultural phenomena.” Specifically: School shootings, a growing prison population, and the number of gay men.
What terrible news, but it all falls into place! My gay friends across the border are a clear sign that Barack Obama will soon declare martial law, thrusting the nation into chaos before toppling its own government and entering an era of terrifying anarchy. A semblance of order will occur only after rogue leaders self-assemble into six autonomous states, of which only conservative Alaska will escape by embracing Russian rule.
Oh, horrible fate! And all within the next nine months. How ever shall my stateside friends manage? Courage, friends. Courage!
Research Breakthrough: Homosexuality Causes Earthquakes!
Long thought to be the result of tension between tectonic plates, earthquakes have a new explanation courtesy of Shlomo Benizri, a Member of Knesset in Israel:
Why do earthquakes happen? One of the reasons is the things to which the Knesset gives legitimacy: To sodomy.
A cost-effective way of averting earthquake damage would be to stop passing legislation on how to encourage homosexual activity in the state of Israel, which anyway brings about earthquakes.
Isreal was hit by several earthquakes last week, including one that measured 5.0 on the Richter scale.
Mr. Benizri’s unique explanation has sent shockwaves through—I mean, rocked—I mean shaken—the earth sciences community. While a few seismologists remain skeptical, this new development may mean that textbooks everywhere will have to be re-written. I’ll report more on this stunning research development as information becomes available.
(Mr. Benizri, incidentally, belongs to the same political party as Nissim Ze’ev—who recently proposed that gays in Isreal “should be dealt with like the Health Ministry deals with bird flu.”)
Now, someone fetch me a cookie, or—so help me—I’ll rock your house to the ground.
Town Council Misunderstands Gay Pride Flag
Flashback: The year is 1989 and—oh, wait, no. I misread something. Let’s try this again.
August, 2007: The town council of Truro, Nova Scotia (population 11,700) has voted 6-1 against raising a Pride flag at city hall during the city’s gay pride week. The mayor, Bill Mills, decides to let his words speak louder than actions:
If I have a group of people that says pedophiles should have rights, do we raise their flag too? I don’t want to lump them in with homosexuals, but that’s the point—the issues—and that’s my feeling.
Gays and lesbians already have equal opportunities and work and pension benefits; I wonder what else they’re fighting for.
Charming lad.
So, what else are gay people fighting for? Freedom from being publicly compared to pedophiles by ignorant mayors is a good start. I am not a criminal.
You see, the folks running Truro are unusually slow at understanding the Pride flag. Bill Mills considers it a display of arrogance—a means to “flaunt a lifestyle” to those who don’t care to see it. He’s the type of person who emails me now and then to ask why gays are so insistent on visibility when there isn’t a straight pride flag or straight pride parade.
My take is simple: Pride flags exists because pride is the opposite of shame, which is precisely how people like Mills would have us gays feel. The “lifestyle” I’m supposedly flaunting is, in reality, no different from anyone else’s, but there’s a lot I’ve had to put up with. Pride is a fitting symbol: I am proud of having overcome the misinformation I was fed over the years about gay people; I’m proud of overcoming the personal struggle to accept who I am; and I’m especially proud of how I continue to overcome ignorant policy-makers, lobbyists, journalists, individuals, and churches who don’t hesitate to attack me at every opportunity.
Raising the Pride flag is not an “endorsement” of any particular lifestyle—and certainly not the lifestyle that Mayor Mills has chosen to assign to all of a diverse group. Rather, it’s a gesture of dignity and recognition of a minority’s struggle that, if refused in this manner, re-enforces the purpose of why that symbol exists. Mayor Mills may not care to see the Pride flag one week a year, but I have to put up with discriminatory nonsense all the time.
Incidentally, municipal proclamations such as flag raising are generally considered a public service of city hall.
A tip o’ the hat to Devin Maxwell, who grew up in Truro.
And Now, A Reader Mistakes Slap As Homophobic
Let’s do the mailbag thing today! A (somewhat confused) reader writes:
Dear Mark,
I accidentally came across your website and am so incredibly offended and upset by it. How could you create such a thing? Do you believe being gay is a choice? The only reason you are so angry about it is because you are harboring homosexual feelings inside of yourself. Otherwise, you may be a godless person, I am not sure. Either way, live and let live. If you do not know any gay people, get to know one and ask them if they would choose such a horrible existance [sic]. Would you choose to be descriminated [sic] against or hated upon? Who would? The AIDS comments are disgusting. Ignorant. You know nothing about the disease. What about the people in Africa with AIDS who were bitten by a mosquito? You are ridiculously blinded to the reality of health situations in the world. Get a life and educate yourself. What is your education level? Probably not very high.
Corey [Last name removed]
Dear Corey,
I’m sorry; I’ve been a terrible, homophobic blogger. I have, indeed, been harboring homosexual feelings inside of myself, and I suspect my boyfriend has too. To make up for all of my angry, angry writings, I’ve painstakingly converted this site into a gay-friendly publication. I hope it meets your standards.
As for the AIDS comments, I’m not entirely sure what I’ve said about the subject, but I’m sorry for it. And, although HIV cannot be transmitted by mosquitoes, I’ve forgotten that people in Africa probably find the bites as annoying as we do here. Hereon in, I’ll do my best to warn them.
With heartfelt apologies,
your pal,
–Mark, MSc.
Well, that’s all for today! If you’d like to submit something to the Slap Mailbag, fire off an email to:
Gays Warned Not To Sway Hips As They Walk
The Philippine National Police has issued a warning instructing its gay officers to refrain from swaying their hips as they walk. Failure to do so will result in their termination.
Chief Superintendent Samuel Pagdilao said that while the force does not discriminate against gay officers in any way, they will fire anyone who “misbehaves:”
As an institution, the PNP does not look at or interfere with one’s sexual preference, but it does look at its members’ conduct.
If they sway their hips while marching, or if they engage in lustful conduct, I think that will be a ground for separation.
I’m not entirely sure how my stride appears to onlookers, but if turns out to be career-threateningly gay, I suppose I’ll need the number of a good physical therapist. Preferably someone cute.
Well, until Monday folks!
Anything Remotely Gay To Be Outlawed in Nigeria
Get ready for some serious closet!
A Nigerian bill is poised to outlaw anything that’s remotely close to being interpreted as sort of gay in the country. The bill prescribes a five-year prison sentence for—are you ready for this? Meeting with gays, promoting equality for gays, donating money to gay organisations, expressing gay love in letters and emails, attending or participating in a gay wedding or ceremony, publishing, selling, renting, or loaning a gay book or video, taking or possessing pictures of a gay couple, selling or renting housing to gay couples, and visiting, hosting, or creating gay websites. That, of course, in addition to the harsher interpretations.
Hey, how about that? Slap’s actually illegal somewhere! Kudos to you, my law-breaking visitors!
Anyway, misinformation about homosexuality is rampant in Nigeria. A special advisor to the president recently announced that being in a same-sex relationship directly causes “mental retardation, and high tendency to commit suicide.”
Fascinating, no?
Homosexual Sex Marriage!
Ah, Rob Anders. My former MP. Although he’s probably best known for being the sole dissenter in a vote to give Nelson Mandela, international hero, honorary Canadian citizenship (Anders said Mandela is a “communist and a terrorist”), I remember him for some equally baffling shenanigans.
Now how did it go again? Oh, yes! Anders used taxpayer money (rather than money from his party) to print flyers, emblazoned with a scary masked gunman, linking crystal meth usage and crime to—and I quote: “ homosexual sex marriage.” Then he mailed them to constituents in another province!
Raymond Chan, the Liberal MP for that region, was confused why another MP was targeting his constituents with such a bizarre tactic.
They’re resorting to fear-mongering, if you look at the layout of this brochure. And also they’re so outrageous. [Sexual] orientation is not a crime since the ’70s.
Chan’s campaign office was just as confused.
It’s consistent with the concerns that some people have had with the social conservative agenda, coming out and talking about crime and throwing homosexuality into it.
Now, I can’t help but wonder what Anders thinks about heterosexual sex marriage? I wonder…
School Board: Stop Calling Bad Things “Gay”
Using the phrase “that’s so gay” to mean “that’s horrible” has become unacceptably common, the Greater Victoria School District announced last month. And now they’re doing something about it!
Armed with the slogan “That’s so gay is not OK,” school trustees launched a campaign aimed at getting students to think about what they say. Sara Bisson, a grade 11 student, agrees with the plan and thinks students don’t always realise they’re being hurtful.
They don’t really mean it in a homophobic way, it’s just said in a derogatory way and if you confront someone and say, “do you realize what you’re saying,” they usually say, “oh, but I didn’t mean it like that.”
Regardless of how successful the program turns out to be, it’s a positive step. Now, if only we could get the anti-gays to realise that “you’re evil and God hates you” is also irrationally hateful, we’d be all set!
Want more? Check out nearly eight years of posts in the Slap archives!
